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Showing posts from 2019

To the mom of a molested child

Dear Mom, I don't know how to say this to you. I know your hurting and every time I see you cry I feel like its my fault. Every time someone mentions that your going through a hard time, I feel like its my fault. When you cry in the shower, I feel like its my fault. I know your going through something, but this didn't happen to you, it happened to me. I want to be there for you, and I want to help you get through this, but my innocence was taken not yours. I am trying to find myself in all of this, I can't help you. So if I get quiet, if I stay distant, its because I am trying to heal, and I can't heal helping you. I need you to help me. You can't get mad at me, your not allowed. My world fell apart as a child who needs and rely's on your wisdom and guidance to get through this, but if your going to fall apart and make me feel like your pain is my fault than I can't go to you.  I will look somewhere else.  - signed the art of me to scared to say it
Very few…

Three steps to Purity- By the Recycled Virgin

So… I looked up the word recycle, and this is what I found. Return (material) to a previous stage in a cyclic process Maybe Recycled virgin isn’t the best name, but in reality looking back that’s exactly what was happening.
I was a single mom, abandoned to raise her kids alone, carrying trauma, and still fighting to attain her dreams. What were those dream? I am still trying to figure that out. But writing would surely be one of them. Sadly I put it on the back burner more often then I should. But I digress, let’s go back to recycle.
I wanted to offer something that I thought you might want to revisit if you’re on this journey of purity. And when I say purity, I mean purity of mind, body and soul. Cause let’s face it if you don’t take control of your thoughts your thoughts will take over and can literally kill you. Its more than just sex, lust and all that good stuff we are holding out for, for our husbands. It’s about our minds, our thoughts. So I thought I share a few things I did to…

Don't inform God; consult with Him first!

I recently sat at church listening to a great sermon but something strange happened in my mind. So strange I had to pick up a pen and write down my thoughts. The Pastor was talking about how we inform God but we don’t consult God. We go to Him with our agenda and our choices and expect Him to bless it. 
The Pastor used an example that he encounters often of a couple that came into his office asking for premarital counseling. The first thing the pastor asked ask them, is if they are prepared to cancel or post pone the wedding, if in this counseling session it is determined they are not ready to marry. He said 95% of the time they respond, “We already booked the venue, and the caterer- No”.The pastor then responds with, “then you’re not here for counseling, you’re here to inform me of your arrangements”.
While he shared the story, I will admit a little pride rose in me as I knew I was of the 5% that was willing to cancel if he said we were not ready or even worse not meant to be. It w…

He waited for me to get divorced

I sat at the court house recently watching a judge pound the gavel on the table saying, “Marriage dissolved good luck to you…. Next case”
I was there to support a friend because I remember what it was like. I remember everyone being so happy that I was finally divorcing, all except me. I felt like a failure and my kids were hurting. I wanted to mourn my marriage and they wanted to celebrate it, so I went alone. Time drags while you are waiting. I was sitting completely alone and inside me the thoughts consumed me, caused my hands to shake, then my stomach to turn and my chest to tighten. By the time the judge called us my head was cloudy and before I knew it the gavel was in the air about to strike, and my throat wanted to scream, “I’m not ready” but I stood there quietly as fear gripped me that all the years that I invested was over with the strike of his gavel. 2.2 seconds changed what felt like a lifetime of trying to make it work. 
When you’re alone, isolated from the world in y…

The pressure trap of tulips

Single ladies,  I don’t want you to feel alone in your sentiment. So I want to share this story with you. If I had to describe the feeling it was like all my friends and I were standing on this fertile ground and one by one each girl would look down at her feet and a big beautiful tulip sprouted right in front of her. Everyone had a tulip but me, and I didn’t know why.
I watered the ground around me with miracle grow, and everyone around me was like,  “don’t worry yours will bloom soon” I know I wanted to be a big girl about it and be happy for them, but did you feel like I felt at the time; jealous? There were even times where I compared myself with the other woman saying, “I can take better care of the tulips than they can” “I would be a much better caregiver to these tulips, I even have plans that will make the tulips happy, I am not as selfish as that girl with ALL the tulips” . I’m actually giggling at my analogy of tulips. I love gardening, can you tell? Plus Bridgeport has an a…

In honor of the dead beat dad

My husband’s father passed away recently. Although I have experienced death before this time things were different. My husband was raised by a single mother. His dad was present in his life as the part-time weekend dad. He wasn’t an ideal father. He had his short comings as everyone else does. I couldn’t help but think about his past, what he might of endured growing up that cultivated him into the man he was on his death bed. Some would call him a "dead beat dad", not me, he served his purpose. 
When my husband got the call I was sound asleep, and rather than wake me up he went to the other room and once done with the call silently crawled back into bed. Then in the morning he woke up, kissed my forehead and woke me up with, “Good morning mi amor, have a good day”. Once up and ready for work my daughter scrolling through the Facebook news feed read the news that my father in law had passed away. I quickly called my husband and he told me, “I didn’t want to ruin your mornin…

What crushing moments taught me...

Crushing moments Relationships are hard and I am not talking about just romantic relationships. I’m talking all relationships. Family relationships, friendships, and courting relationships, they all take real work and it's easy to put the work into people you like. 
There is that one friend that calls you at the most inconvenient times but you don’t care, they need you. There is the sibling that calls and you pick up every call and will share every burden with them  and  then there is the other sibling that makes you cringe and pray to God to give you the strength to deal with the conversation. I think you get the idea.
Or maybe you’re the person that everyone is dodging. I know I have played that role in certain seasons in my life too. Its seasonal don't worry. This blog is filled with crushing moments. Heart aches and wasted time by someone's definition. But in my definition, none of it was wasted; all of it served a purpose. There was a time I wondered if I had a target o…