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Showing posts from 2019

He waited for me to get divorced

I sat at the court house recently watching a judge pound the gavel on the table saying, “Marriage dissolved good luck to you…. Next case”
I was there to support a friend because I remember what it was like. I remember everyone being so happy that I was finally divorcing, all except me. I felt like a failure and my kids were hurting. I wanted to mourn my marriage and they wanted to celebrate it, so I went alone. Time drags while you are waiting. I was sitting completely alone and inside me the thoughts consumed me, caused my hands to shake, then my stomach to turn and my chest to tighten. By the time the judge called us my head was cloudy and before I knew it the gavel was in the air about to strike, and my throat wanted to scream, “I’m not ready” but I stood there quietly as fear gripped me that all the years that I invested was over with the strike of his gavel. 2.2 seconds changed what felt like a lifetime of trying to make it work. 
When you’re alone, isolated from the world in y…

The pressure trap of tulips

Single ladies,  I don’t want you to feel alone in your sentiment. So I want to share this story with you. If I had to describe the feeling it was like all my friends and I were standing on this fertile ground and one by one each girl would look down at her feet and a big beautiful tulip sprouted right in front of her. Everyone had a tulip but me, and I didn’t know why.
I watered the ground around me with miracle grow, and everyone around me was like,  “don’t worry yours will bloom soon” I know I wanted to be a big girl about it and be happy for them, but did you feel like I felt at the time; jealous? There were even times where I compared myself with the other woman saying, “I can take better care of the tulips than they can” “I would be a much better caregiver to these tulips, I even have plans that will make the tulips happy, I am not as selfish as that girl with ALL the tulips” . I’m actually giggling at my analogy of tulips. I love gardening, can you tell? Plus Bridgeport has an a…

In honor of the dead beat dad

My husband’s father passed away recently. Although I have experienced death before this time things were different. My husband was raised by a single mother. His dad was present in his life as the part-time weekend dad. He wasn’t an ideal father. He had his short comings as everyone else does. I couldn’t help but think about his past, what he might of endured growing up that cultivated him into the man he was on his death bed. Some would call him a "dead beat dad", not me, he served his purpose. 
When my husband got the call I was sound asleep, and rather than wake me up he went to the other room and once done with the call silently crawled back into bed. Then in the morning he woke up, kissed my forehead and woke me up with, “Good morning mi amor, have a good day”. Once up and ready for work my daughter scrolling through the Facebook news feed read the news that my father in law had passed away. I quickly called my husband and he told me, “I didn’t want to ruin your mornin…

What crushing moments taught me...

Crushing moments Relationships are hard and I am not talking about just romantic relationships. I’m talking all relationships. Family relationships, friendships, and courting relationships, they all take real work and it's easy to put the work into people you like. 
There is that one friend that calls you at the most inconvenient times but you don’t care, they need you. There is the sibling that calls and you pick up every call and will share every burden with them  and  then there is the other sibling that makes you cringe and pray to God to give you the strength to deal with the conversation. I think you get the idea.
Or maybe you’re the person that everyone is dodging. I know I have played that role in certain seasons in my life too. Its seasonal don't worry. This blog is filled with crushing moments. Heart aches and wasted time by someone's definition. But in my definition, none of it was wasted; all of it served a purpose. There was a time I wondered if I had a target o…