I sat at the court house recently watching a judge pound the gavel on the table saying, “Marriage dissolved good luck to you…. Next case”
I was there to support a friend because I remember what it was like. I remember everyone being so happy that I was finally divorcing, all except me. I felt like a failure and my kids were hurting. I wanted to mourn my marriage and they wanted to celebrate it, so I went alone. Time drags while you are waiting. I was sitting completely alone and inside me the thoughts consumed me, caused my hands to shake, then my stomach to turn and my chest to tighten. By the time the judge called us my head was cloudy and before I knew it the gavel was in the air about to strike, and my throat wanted to scream, “I’m not ready” but I stood there quietly as fear gripped me that all the years that I invested was over with the strike of his gavel. 2.2 seconds changed what felt like a lifetime of trying to make it work.
When you’re alone, isolated from the world in your pain, the enemy creeps in to remind you of mistakes, failures, and if you sit long enough listening he will grip your soul with fear.
I think I went into shock, because all I remember after that point was my ex-husband helping me out the courtroom asking me to breath. I had my first full on panic attack. Once I came too, the tears were uncontrollable and my ex stood before me saying, “I don’t get it, you filed for this divorce”.
They say divorce is second to death in trauma. It was a dark place after that because I let my thoughts take over. With that said, I was not going to let any of my friends go alone to the most painful experience ever. So this time, we talked. We talked about anything and everything other than what was going on. I was not going to let her thoughts consume her. But I understood her position more than she knew.
Let me explain, I was pregnant at 15 with my daughter, then again at 17 with my son, and due to all the drama in our relationship my third was a miscarriage. Talk about “Fertile Myrtle”; the second two pregnancies were on birth control. I thought that if we married God would bless us. I know it was dumb, but we did everything wrong so I figured if we cover it with a holy covenant, it would make it right. Then I wouldn’t feel guilty about going to God with my prayer request. But it didn’t. The cheating started, and then it was a tit for tat on the cheating. Yes you read that right, I cheated too. I was so hurt with the neglect that the first instance or hint of affection from someone else came, I took it. That doesn’t justify it at all, I made things worse.
It was the most dysfunctional relationship and one day it hit me watching a preaching by Joyce Meyers. She said something along the lines of,
There are people out there rushing into sacred vows with people that God told you to stay away from. Then you’re calling on him to bless something He didn’t put together!
I’m so sorry God, I had it all wrong. A few days after hearing this, he came home drunk with police in pursuit because he crashed our brand new car into a parked car and put some poor women in the hospital. I was done. He moved out that day, but I filed for divorce two years later. Why?
Because the guy I was dating asked me too. Yup, one month alone and my dumb self justified it as, “I deserve to be loved.” So I dated. He was so good to me too, he just loved me like crazy. Ok, so he didn’t believe in God. But at the moment he answered everything else on my checklist. The topping to the cake was that he had already proposed marriage and was waiting for me to divorce. This man would do anything for me, he even cried for me! My heart was vested, and I was listening to it.
So my divorce was final and I was plagued with confusion. My then fiancé, felt hurt that I was depressed about my divorce so our relationship was now strained. There is a popular meme circulating the internet saying, “If he is married with someone other than you, then God is not leading you to him” Funny how the majority of those memes are one sided addressing women, yet when you’re the woman leaving your marriage for another man it doesn’t apply to him or you. BUT It does, if you start a relationship with someone in a relationship, you will build on insecurity and anxiety.
The heart is deceitful above all things
God understands it and thankfully He is merciful and forgiving. I made a mess, I hurt my family and I did start my planning with my then fiance, who left me for his secretary. But looking back if I am honest, I wanted the fairy tale wedding and a guy that adored me. The lie all women believe. That’s not what marriage is. Marriage is an intimate act between two imperfect people displaying the intimacy that God has for us. Marriage is a calling to reflect God's image and intimacy. That means you loving them even when they don’t love you. That means you willing to sacrifice for them even if they are selfish. That means you forgiving even when they don’t deserve it. That means focusing on God’s calling not yourself. And I know that seems unfair but what if you marry a man that understands that and applies that as well. No one would object or cringe to the word "submit" if that were the case right?
Women, God is letting you make that choice. You have the power to choose who you marry. It’s not about who selects you, and fits the checklist. Many will ask for you, but only one will God say yes to, then its up to you to say yes or no. What God puts together, no man or woman can rip from you, so why be fearful, why settle? Know your worth and if this is your story take time to heal. I learned more about myself in the season of healing, that I have to admit, I started to value myself more and people saw it. Before I knew it, my Clark Kent did too.
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