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The Author

"A statistic"
That's what the world said I would be. Growing up in Bridgeport CT, abused as a child, serious behavior issues as a teen, pregnant by 15 and married before I even graduated highschool to a man who had a drinking problem. Yeah I was a hot mess. But I had a praying mom and a church family that never gave up on me. There isn't much to say about who I am, other than I was restored by God's grace. I'm not where I want to be, but I do look back only to celebrate the small steps I made in the right direction.
This blog is raw. I don't want to make it seem like I accepted Christ and everything fell into place. It didn't. The struggle was real and humanity is very much in the church as it is in the world. Plus my transformation didn't come over night. I knew I wanted to walk right but I was very much accustomed to doing things the way the world taught me. I don't think this blog will help any young Christian single woman if its not honest. Sex is great, even more so married. But single! Help me Jesus! There were times where my slip ups were all me, not the guy. Then there were times where there was pressure of acceptance. I think that's the area no one want to admit. Its humbling to say, "Dude, I just wanted him to stay with me" or like me, or love me. A young woman's sexuality is a very powerful tool and it can be used to her advantage. The problem is that real love is not kept through sex. Real acceptance is not kept through sex. I wish someone had told me this.

I wish someone explained to me what sex does to a body, to the soul. No one broke it down to me, I got it late in the game. Then it was a matter of how do I reclaim my purity? Hence the title Recycled Virgin. Just because I had sex didn't mean I should have sex with every boyfriend. And of course having kids, every guy expected it to be a part of the package deal. And as I got older they all wanted a baby making machine. Someone to pass their seed to and procreate with but not love, not honor, not protect. And when I met God, the real God not the photo shopped version that people like to introduce to you to get their member rate to grow. When I met God, I knew HE WANTED ME TO BE LOVED, HONORED, PROTECTED... and all the other good stuff that comes with that. So if God wanted that for me, why was I short changing myself of HIS DESIRES? Things that make you go hmmm.

Why write about this now? 
I became aware, self aware, spiritually aware and I looked back and saw that version of me in bondage. I took every step God instructed to take my thoughts captive and submit them to Christ. It required honesty. So you will get the raw unfiltered me who struggled. But I did burst out of those chains, I'm simply revisiting to free the other girls who don't deserve to be there either. 

I hope you enjoy my travels down memory lane. I am married now. Let me rephrase that, I am happily over joyed married now. But that wasn't the goal, the goal was to see what God wanted for me. His plans are better than mine. I'm not a statistic, this is "the art of me".


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To the mom of a molested child

Dear Mom, I don't know how to say this to you. I know your hurting and every time I see you cry I feel like its my fault. Every time someone mentions that your going through a hard time, I feel like its my fault. When you cry in the shower, I feel like its my fault. I know your going through something, but this didn't happen to you, it happened to me. I want to be there for you, and I want to help you get through this, but my innocence was taken not yours. I am trying to find myself in all of this, I can't help you. So if I get quiet, if I stay distant, its because I am trying to heal, and I can't heal helping you. I need you to help me. You can't get mad at me, your not allowed. My world fell apart as a child who needs and rely's on your wisdom and guidance to get through this, but if your going to fall apart and make me feel like your pain is my fault than I can't go to you.  I will look somewhere else.  - signed the art of me to scared to say it
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