Revisiting my past...
This morning I got up and was listening to one of my favorite authors, Rachel Hollis. On Chapter 14 of her new book "Girl wash your face" she said something that sparked something in me. She said she doesn't read the reviews. I instantly thought of my friend Kim who is an avid blogger and recently published her first book and told her the story of how I used to blog and my failures. All to encourage her and make sure she doesn't give up. I told her that I was her once upon a time. I loved writing, and I loved sharing stories and I was known as the "story teller". One day in my late twenties, I decided to reclaim my virginity and figured I write a blog about my journey. Now I know what your thinking, that's scientifically impossible. But spiritually its totally possible.
I wrote this great blog of my journey as a Christian woman who was taking control of her life, so I thought. I was a single mom and in the dating arena it seemed that sex was expected. And it frustrated me to no end. The constant cliche, "you have kids, what are you protecting?". It was as if it was a right of passage for all women to get to the next phase; commitment. Depending on your performance in bed and how freaky you were, would determine if you deserved the solid girlfriend/boyfriend status. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like that for all my dating scenarios. There were the few that would wait; so they said, as they always tried.
And then there was me, who was indeed not a virgin. I knew the taste and desired it, like you would not believe. But I also knew how it left me feeling afterwards. Cold showers and long nights at the gym were my go to and I always shunned all romance movies. I also understood the science of it as well. Did you know that women produce a chemical in their brains called Oxytocin, also known as the "love hormone". Its produced in men too. I'm not a doctor so don't take this as a medical fact. This is just my take on what I learned. When women give birth to a baby they release massive amounts of it, it acts like a bonding agent. How else do you explain loving the person who just ripped your vagina in half. Women also release it when they are breastfeeding. They also release it in, you guessed it, during orgasms. Things that make you go hmmmm.
Now from a biblical perspective; God intended sex to be within the safe haven of marriage. After making all the obvious mistakes that are in direct violation of what God intended I can sincerely attest that I now see why God intended it for marriage. The physical and biblical line up perfectly and validate each other. The entire "two become one" bible phrase, to "bonding agent/Love hormone" science. Again hmmmm
So I tried to take charge of my panties. I made sure they were not going to drop anymore and to entertain myself I would blog my way through it. I would laugh and make light of my rejection to encourage myself. And I would hopefully help others making the same commitment. There was the catch, "helping others". I knew I was going to be made fun of, after all I was living this walk out loud and I was bashed. So I made the blog anonymous. My first few stories were funny to say the least. But then I saw one of my postings circulating through social media, I was shocked. It was there on my newsfeed because someone else shared it. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I clicked on it and there it was; the Comments. The death of my blog, the opinion of others, the death to all things that are good.
The comments section of my blog post put me in tears. I cried myself to sleep that night and if I am honest probably a few nights after. Who am I kidding like a week. I dragged out that suffering longer than I should have.
"She honestly thinks she can recycle her virginity"
"This is a joke, and she's a joke"
"This is downright hilarious, a retard has to be writing this"
I actually remember all of them. I'm now 41 years young and looking back thinking they probably just meant the title and didn't even read it. Also above all else, who cares. Like Rachel Hollis would say, "Someone else's opinion of you is none of your business". But back then in my late twenties into my thirties it hit me like a ton of bricks and stopped my life, let alone my writing. I was dating this guy during this time; you will read about him in later post, who said I was being "ungodly". Really? Again now at 41 years young looking back and revisiting my past my only regret was not being true to myself and listening to others. Needless to say in my pain and rejection of my writing I listened to three critics and deleted my blog entire blog and till today never wrote again.
Today I'm happily married because I stopped listening to the critics and started being myself. Not only did I get the man of my dreams, he came in the most unexpected way, but that's also for another blog post.
Now....I'm not where I want to be, but I am definitely not worried about being me and you will discover why in my writings.
Today I belong to various ministries but one in particular I do want to highlight its called Purity and Peace and its a ministry that helps women. All women, not teens looking to protect their purity. I'm talking all women who are looking for healing and are right where I was a few years back. Looking for healing. Healing from past relationships, breaking the bonds you made with all the wrong people. Trying to do it the right way, the way God intended. People think doing things God's way is a set of rules that we have to live by restricting our freedom but reality is that they are rules that keep us free. Free from heart ache, humiliation, and straight up PAIN. Once you slip its hard to pick yourself up. And lets be honest, who wants to be that transparent and call a friend to say, "Girl, I was horny, that's why I did it". Forgive the vulgarity of my writing, as I am sure some will state it to be, it's honest. I couldn't be honest with women of God. (Now I can) but back then I had to go to those who would applaud my lack of will power, it made me feel better. Then I thought what if they had a blog post to turn too? What if they could read this and not feel like they are being judged in being honest. Honestly
We want to pretend we have it together, that we have control. But reality is we need accountability partners. Someone who will remind us of what we are protecting, Purity isn't just between your legs, your protecting your purity of mind and soul. I now have that network of strong godly women, who won't judge me but help me remember there is no condemnation, and what are we going to do to fix it? Back then I did not. No fault to my network back then but even I didn't have the knowledge I have now in regards to God's grace. We all had this ah ha moment and said, "Awe man, I wish I knew this back then"
Think about it. When you mess up and take the walk of shame the next morning are you calling your friends to celebrate it? Well, I guess some do. But not me, and I know there are more girls out there that can identify with me. So I'm revisiting my past and I'm going back to reclaim what was stolen from me, my confidence! There was nothing wrong with me "recycling my virginity" or writing about it. To top it all off, the reward was worth it. Every rejected humiliating moment was worth it. Oh... one more thing... full transparency... I didn't always get it right. I don't want you to think I took this oath of purity and did it till the day I walked down the isle to my wonderful husband.
Nope, sadly I took the oath several times. Thank God, GOD is a God of grace. I did however, beat myself up often for falling short of my promise not only to God but to myself. I also felt like I was abusing God's kindness. I was that girl that put herself on the shelf to please someone I thought I loved. Oh... and here is another truth bomb I didn't expect, the many times I thought I fell in love.... scary. I am pleased to report that looking back I didn't give up on the promise. I kept trying and there was a period of years where I was abstinent.
I am now pleased to report that I gained control of the pantie situation, but who doesn't when your married. They are always on the floor. But more importantly I looked back and smiled that even in my errors I was right to recommit my life to Christ and reclaim my purity. Like I said the reward was great!
With that said I am taking on my writing again. I have committed to rewrite my past blog post for me, you can enjoy the ride as I stroll through memory lane. I'm praying that it helps, but I warn you, its going to be raw and fully transparent. I will change names to protect the innocent. Most of the men I will speak about have grown since then. Have married and look back on their foolishness with regret as well. So I will not shame anyone. It was a process for all, and most (not all) grew from it.
I am only going to post once a week so if you subscribe I just want to set the expectation.
God bless and stay tuned.