I want a Christian Man!
Well this one took me for a doozie. I really did love being single but every time I walked into church someone would say,
"Why hasn't someone snatched you up?"
"Why are you still single"
"God is preparing a good husband for you"Oh and every time I went to the altar for prayer people assumed that I was on my knees praying for a husband and they would stop me to say, "God told me to tell you he is coming sister"
Little did they know I was praying for peace when I was at the altar. Being a single mom was rough, it was no walk in the park. My daughter thought I favored my son, and my son thought I favored my daughter. Both responded to things differently which was exhausting. But at the end of the day I really wanted to raise my children to be educated, well balanced believers. I say well balanced because I have run across my fair share of super judgmental believers who walk arrogantly and prideful above the sinners. Then the other extreme where God is all love and you can sin all day and know your going to heaven believer. I'm no theologian, all I know is that no one is beyond God's reach, no one. So I wanted my children to never strip a person of their dignity. And who ever I dated needed to have the same values; I didn't want conflict in my home. I promise I will get to the juicy stuff but for all you single ladies out there, it is important to be "equally yoked" this is a prime example of it. Who I fall for is the type of man that my son believes he should strive to be, and my daughter will want that type of man as her husband. Talk about pressure! As a single mom, you see it. But as a single women with no children its just not a thought when your heart is wrapped up in your underwear.
Everything is a learning experience. The only time I felt bad about being single was when I was at church and every one made it seem like my prayers were not answered till I found a husband. So I fell into the trap and got desperate for people to see me as complete. However, I wanted a particular man, as I just explained. So I did what everyone was doing to find an eligible Christian man in this era. I went online, made a profile and shopped for a boyfriend.
I spent days looking at pictures first, then narrowed it down and started reading profiles. I did love the online sites, as it made me feel like the most beautiful woman alive. It was notification after notification but I didn't have to politely turn anyone away, or feel bad for not being interested. You had to pay to respond and I was to cheap for that. I needed to be selective as I would as selecting a bra on an online site.
I hated hurting people's feelings and sometimes being polite or nice was misinterpreted as try harder. I know this sounds arrogant but I am being honest. "God don't make ugly" is my catch phrase. Like every female I have my insecurities, especially after children... HELLO. I had stretch marks all over I can't compete with the bikini profiles some posted. There are things I would like to change about myself too, but I do know that God created each women uniquely and each have a quality that attracts men. Sadly some think its their looks.
Back to the juicy stuff. I found him. Tall, Dark, handsome, and he had pictures on obstacle courses so I knew he was brave. To me that was a big deal as I have always had a need to feel protected; still do! But there it was in BIG BOLD LETTERS! "my future wife must love God above all else" So I initiated and he quickly responded. We exchanged emails for weeks then upgraded to phone calls. Our conversations got intimate. No it wasn't phone sex. It was sharing each others goals, dreams and fears. He called me when he needed prayer and I did the same when I needed it. It seemed perfect. He fit the mold just perfectly and my heart was vested. The only problem was that he in the military and stationed in Texas. So there were no chances of a walk in the park, or placing myself in the lions den of temptation. So we settled for emails and phone calls.
Meanwhile my friend Clark, who was a single dad, also the biggest heart breaker I knew, was at my house washing clothes one day when I was on the phone with..... Lets just call him Christian, said to me that it wasn't a real relationship. It was just a fantasy. That he could be just faking it all for the attention I provided him. He had a point but it irritated me. But he is a man and he knew more of the male species than I did so I dwelled on his words for weeks till it drove me crazy. So he convinced me to ask Christian to take this now 6-7 month virtual romance into reality. The scariest step ever quickly followed and he bought a plane ticket to visit. I did set ground rules, he couldn't meet my kids till I was completely sure this would work, and he couldn't stay at my house. Meanwhile Clark laughing in the background of my "foolish rules". Clark and I were both single parents and we shared chauffeur responsibilities to and from school, so I was grateful for his presence but at times he annoyed me with the revolving door of females that chased him and how arrogantly right he was at times.
Christian arrived and it was not a catfish incident. It was perfect he was not as tall, but taller than me so I let that slide and it was indeed him. We only had the weekend together so everything felt rushed. I was meeting him for the first time, yet it felt like we were a couple who had not seen each other in months. He kissed me as if we had kissed before and it caught me off guard and I felt robbed of the ideal of our first kiss. I know sounds silly but I wanted that moment. You know the moment where you look into each others eyes purposely hinting "yes kiss me". It was gone, but he was here and I had to make the best of the moment we had together. He totally romanced me, flowers, dinner, words of encouragement that followed with hand holding and long talks every night up until the last night. He even prayed for me! Come on, tell me that doesn't do something for you. He prayed for me! The last night was to say goodbye, and this time he gave me my imagined first kiss. He stood there by the window of the hotel room bag in his hand with sad eyes staring at me and our eyes locked and he hugged me and said, "I don't want it to end here" and his touch, OH GOD his touch! He placed his hands on the small of my back and pulled me in for a warm embrace and I could feel his breath on my neck and when I gently pulled away to make eye contact we were in a full passionate kiss, and my body went into full surrender mode. How could it not, here was a man after God's heart, who romanced me, invested months into phone calls and emails and wanted to do everything right before God. Well except in this moment.
The desire was mutual and we ended up wrapped in the sheets of the bed of the hotel room. It wasn't romantic, it was just two kids caught up in a horny moment. We had only a few hours to get ready for the drive to the airport and I wanted to cry. I just gave this man all of me and he was leaving. I justified it with his responsibility to our country. I kept telling myself that he was going to be my husband so don't feel bad. "It will all work out, don't worry" that's what I said over and over again.
That following Monday, he called me to say he was being deployed and that his last girlfriend dumped him while on his first deployment. I assured him I was going to be loyal over the phone but he heard Clark's voice in the background. I explained he was just a friend who helped me out with the kids. He said he was cheated on before and that he didn't like Clark being around. I explained all this to Clark in hopes that Clark wouldn't linger around after he dropped off the kids. I was too vested in Christian, I had been abstinent for 2 years, I felt like I lost my virginity and my sanity. I needed to keep Christian happy, even at the cost of my friendship with Clark. Clark won't care, I was only a friend who helped bring his daughter to school. Sure enough Clark did care and said I was being stupid but he would respect my wishes and not linger around my house after dropping off the kids.
That night I prayed, "God, please give me strength, I made a mess" and in that moment I experienced something new in my prayers. I saw an image of a man puckering to kiss me. Then I opened my bible and it was like the words jumped at me as I wasn't looking for anything in particular. It just stopped me, "Daughters of Jeruselem, I charge thee do not awaken love until it is ready to be awaken" I didn't get it at the time. I do now.
7 months of silence, and the kiss of betrayal
Christian was overseas and I was playing the loyal wife. At this point I had found Christian's family online and we had become online friends. All of which are still amazing God fearing people. I didn't know it at the time, but they knew little of me, they thought I was just Christian's friend.
Christian did come back to the states and I waited for the call. I waited weeks, then got antsy and started trolling his families timeline then there it was. A picture of his newly found wife, they were married for 4 months and she was expecting his first child. It was the big surprise for his family so it was shared after share after share on the timeline. I never felt like such a fool before, and my heart had never hurt so much. That day my only revenge was to change my number and de-friend every relative close to Christian.
He did send me an email months later when he thought I had healed, that said, "I know you know, but God told me that you were going to cheat on me with Clark. I couldn't relive that again so I moved on. I didn't expect for things to happen the way it happened, it just happened" there was a lot more to it but you get the gist. Can you believe him? He cheats on me and says its because I was going to cheat on him with Clark. Little does he know I was single for 6 LONG YEARS after. I would have never cheated! I wasn't even properly dumped, I saw it all on a Facebook post. I was livid! So I wrote back, "Your a fraud, I believed in you and trusted you and I never cheated nor would I have cheated and its not cool to use God as your cover up"
Young and stupid!
Funny to look back. It was painful but I learned so much from the experience. For instance, we both prayed we just didn't listen. He has his side of the story too. He really did feel insecure with Clark, he didn't know how to tell me that all his prayers led him to the fact that I was not the one. He wanted me to be the one, just like I wanted him to be the one. My prayers did the same but rejection is a hard pill to swallow, I think I would've managed that ordeal better had it been me rejecting him. Did he do it right? HELL NO! It was wrong on so many levels. Had it been another girl she would've thought God hated. He had all the characteristics on the prayer list, and God was saying no not her. Oh the humanity! Everything blew up before my eyes and my heart set ablaze in anger. I changed my email after too. That will teach him! Never heard from him again.
Until just recently I was in LinkedIn and saw Christians name pull up as a person who viewed my profile, while I was in bed with my husband. I laughed and leaned over in bed to Clark and said, "should I tell him?"
LOL- life is full of surprises.
And no I didn't tell him.