The Recycled Virgin

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What I learned from COVID

Early March when the pandemic was just starting to show its ugly head, I went into full preparation mode. I tried to get as much as I could online but going to the store was my best option, once I started to get notices that my online orders were being delayed. The stores were still well stocked and a friend of mine was concerned that the elderly were not getting their supplies. With that said, we put out a message on what was needed and before we knew it, we were shopping and delivering supplies. I had my full time 9-5, my side hustle, my ministry projects, and now delivering supplies for the elderly. Then it happened, I woke up with a fever. I remember looking up to the mirror that I write all my prayer requests on and read the note I made, “The virus will not touch my home” and here I was with a fever. I called out of work that morning and stayed home hoping it was anything else but the virus. Then the symptoms quickly progressed, and I found myself in the Norwalk drive-up T

The last time I saw him was Valentine’s Day.

I was at work and my ex husband came to pick me up. My manager approached me told me that I needed to go home, it was a family emergency. As I walked to the car I felt my body going numb and my thoughts taking over. Funny how fear can creep into your body and take over. My ex husband pulled over and said, "Your dad died". I had no control over my response, my eyes flooded and I screamed, and I screamed. I don't remember how long I sat there screaming. My ex hugged me and and asked me to breath and it was then I realized I was screaming. I tried to get a grip and I was grateful we were in the car on the side of a desolate road, as I am not one to cause a scene. I don't like attention like that. Then I went silent and my eyes gazed at every passing house, car, store, and person we drove passed. I remember every single thing I saw and my body did not move and my breathing was short. When My ex pulled up to the house, they were pulling my dad's body out in a body

Are you guilt-laden?

I have been digging away in the basement of my soul and trying to clean house and I learned something new about myself that I have not always managed well. Guilt! I know guilt is something God designed to alert us and to drive us to repentance, but if I am honest I can really bury myself in guilt. After all, my worst critic is me. I don’t need anyone to punish me, I punish myself and... I will even go to the extent of refusing God to forgive me. I have gotten better over the years, but let me share with you another painfully transparent story. I was seventeen in a committed relationship with my “baby daddy” and I knew he was cheating on me. I received phone calls from friends warning me. I even got a phone call from the other woman. Let me tell you, looking back, I can’t believe that was me. The other woman called me to ask me to leave my apartment and I didn’t get mad at my baby daddy, I was mad at her. I was ready to fight for someone who didn’t even want to be with

Revenge is like...

A great philosopher of our time once said, Revenge is like peeing in your pants. Yeah, at first it feels warm and fuzzy but at the end, you only feel cold and wet. - Boss Baby This isn't something people want to hear but making them pay won't help you heal. Don't get me wrong, I applaud those who seek justice. If its a case of sexual abuse you technically help by making the person who hurt you accountable to a justice system. In turn, protecting the next person that would've been on the after you. So please do not misunderstand this blog post. I'm not concerned with the person who hurt you. I'm concerned with you, the person lugging around pain. Let me share a few stories. Karyn lost her virginity at 19 to her high school sweetheart. After high school he thought it best to break up for the college years, you know... so they can explore and find themselves. Karyn can't forgive him, and cyberstalks his travels and tells anyone who will li

To the mom of a molested child

Dear Mom, I don't know how to say this to you. I know your hurting and every time I see you cry I feel like its my fault. Every time someone mentions that your going through a hard time, I feel like its my fault. When you cry in the shower, I feel like its my fault. I know your going through something, but this didn't happen to you, it happened to me. I want to be there for you, and I want to help you get through this, but my innocence was taken not yours. I am trying to find myself in all of this, I can't help you. So if I get quiet, if I stay distant, its because I am trying to heal, and I can't heal helping you. I need you to help me. You can't get mad at me, your not allowed. My world fell apart as a child who needs and rely's on your wisdom and guidance to get through this, but if your going to fall apart and make me feel like your pain is my fault than I can't go to you. I will look somewhere else. - signed the art of me to scared to say it

Three steps to Purity- By the Recycled Virgin

So… I looked up the word recycle, and this is what I found. Return (material) to a previous stage in a cyclic process Maybe Recycled virgin isn’t the best name, but in reality looking back that’s exactly what was happening. I was a single mom, abandoned to raise her kids alone, carrying trauma, and still fighting to attain her dreams. What were those dream? I am still trying to figure that out. But writing would surely be one of them. Sadly I put it on the back burner more often then I should. But I digress, let’s go back to recycle. I wanted to offer something that I thought you might want to revisit if you’re on this journey of purity. And when I say purity, I mean purity of mind, body and soul. Cause let’s face it if you don’t take control of your thoughts your thoughts will take over and can literally kill you . Its more than just sex, lust and all that good stuff we are holding out for, for our husbands. It’s about our minds, our thoughts. So I thought I sh

Don’t I deserve to be happy?

I was hurting, severe heartache for a man that I knew God did not want me to be with. I remember yelling at my pastor, “Don’t I deserve to be happy” and he responded back in a way that changed my life forever. He told me you’re not getting what you deserve and you should be happy about that. I often see social media post about how God blessed me, and they posted the keys to a new house, or a brand new high-end car, or a 5-star luxury vacation. Then they sign off on it with, “don’t downplay what God is trying to do in your life, you deserve his good gifts” I have always struggled with this as I know God is a giver of good gifts. I tell my family every day they are a gift from God. But could we be losing sight of what “good gifts” He gives? Let me explain where God has been taking me lately. The gospel is all about the good news, right? The good news that Jesus came to die for our sins, so we don’t get what we deserve. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only So