tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14954914198610459022024-03-13T16:45:59.343-07:00The Recycled VirginBeing used by God is interestingThe Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-75509871442568472562020-07-17T07:00:00.000-07:002020-07-17T07:00:10.319-07:00Don’t I deserve to be happy? <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I was hurting, severe heartache for a
man that I knew God did not want me to be with. I remember yelling at my
pastor, “Don’t I deserve to be happy” and he responded back in a way that
changed my life forever. He told me you’re not getting what you deserve and you
should be happy about that. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I often see social media post about
how God blessed me, and they posted the keys to a new house, or a brand new
high-end car, or a 5-star luxury vacation. Then they sign off on it with, “don’t
downplay what God is trying to do in your life, you deserve his good gifts” <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I have always struggled with this as I
know God is a giver of good gifts. I tell my family every day they are a gift
from God. But could we be losing sight of what “good gifts” He gives? <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Let me explain where God has been
taking me lately. The gospel is all about the good news, right? The good news
that Jesus came to die for our sins, so we don’t get what we deserve. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">For God so loved</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> the world that he gave</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> his one and only Son,</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> that whoever believes</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> in him shall not perish but have eternal life.</span>-
John 3:16<o:p></o:p></i></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">So, if I
am reading this correctly, the plan was so that we will not perish. That was
and is the path that we are on if we choose not to believe in him.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">So, the gift
is salvation not worldly gifts. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I went to
Cuba once where this woman told me that she had been praying for a new house.
That she fasted and prayed and told God that if he would bless her with a house,
she would dedicate her home to serving him. She got it and she was having services
in her house. Mind you this is a communist country and you cannot open a
church, but she told God that she would. She pretty much told God I will suffer
to bring you glory. But she received the gift she was waiting for, the house of
her dreams and by a miracle, the government gave it to her for free. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I could
not wait to see this house. When I got there half the house was missing a roof,
the bathroom had no running water and certainly no AC. And the part of the
house that had no roof she had set up her own little makeshift pulpit, and
lined up chairs and took a risk and invited everyone she could to join her in
her house to hear the gospel. Her home was filled, and she spent the little she
had to provide lemonade and pastries to her guest who came to her new home. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">From American
standards, the house looked like it survived a war. From God’s standards, this
woman was in the war and walking in victory. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And here
I am yelling, “Don’t I deserve to be happy” <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I really
should be happy that I am not getting what I deserve. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 18.0pt; margin-bottom: 7.5pt;"><b><i><sup><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></sup></i></b><b><i><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then Jesus told his
disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself
and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his
life<sup> </sup>will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find
it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and
forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?-
Matthew 16:24-26<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Once my
perspective shifted to this understanding it didn’t take away my desire for a
new house, better car, nicer clothing and jewelry, or fancy tech. But it did do
this. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Made me <b>LOVE</b>
God so much more, I lost sight of chasing my desires.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I have <b>JOY</b>
in the most difficult places because I know what Price was paid for me. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I have this <b>PEACE</b>
amongst life’s trials. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I practice <b>PATIENCE</b>
with others who have yet to learn this truth, cause I was there. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I am <b>KIND</b>
to all recognizing that I am not the only one JESUS died for. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I recognize God’s
<b>GOODNESS</b> in my life more. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I recognize God’s
<b>FAITHFULNESS</b>. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I see God’s <b>GENTLENESS</b>
in correcting me with these truths. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And after all that,
my desires pale in comparison that I have more <b>SELF-CONTROL.</b> -Galatians
5:22<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Are you
holding onto something God is asking you to let go of? <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The lesson I
learned when I finally let go. </span></h2><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Happiness dies in the face of adversity. <a href="http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/joy">Joy</a>
does not and Joy only comes from God. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">fixing our eyes on Jesus,</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> the pioneer</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> and perfecter of faith. For the <span style="background: yellow; mso-highlight: yellow;">joy</span> set before him he endured the cross,</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> scorning its
shame,</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God</span></b><span style="background: white; color: black; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">. Hebrews 12:2</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br></p>You deserve joy! <div style="text-align: left;"><img src="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1GLZvjVhL3zt7klZfy2GZhTVvhS01dOKg" alt="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1GLZvjVhL3zt7klZfy2GZhTVvhS01dOKg" style="max-height: 80%; max-width: 80%; height: auto; width: auto;"><br></div>The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-39613619109167925542020-07-10T06:42:00.000-07:002020-07-10T06:42:08.700-07:00What I learned from COVID<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7noyZbi-9TRtxhw02N9Ej1uBI0woe10CAfAN4eVfCKpnHuvZEzBciTltnXbi4lMTOwUVXMuXqJOB1qdB-c-7pOdkrrlmDLTAD4TBc5EN7IXqqv-UVs9boQXJsvi79WH_RrVzpeU7Bjdw/s2048/What+i+learned+from+CoVID.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7noyZbi-9TRtxhw02N9Ej1uBI0woe10CAfAN4eVfCKpnHuvZEzBciTltnXbi4lMTOwUVXMuXqJOB1qdB-c-7pOdkrrlmDLTAD4TBc5EN7IXqqv-UVs9boQXJsvi79WH_RrVzpeU7Bjdw/s320/What+i+learned+from+CoVID.png" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Early March when the pandemic was just
starting to show its ugly head, I went into full preparation mode. I tried to
get as much as I could online but going to the store was my best option, once I
started to get notices that my online orders were being delayed. The stores
were still well stocked and a friend of mine was concerned that the elderly were
not getting their supplies. With that said, we put out a message on what was
needed and before we knew it, we were shopping and delivering supplies. I had
my full time 9-5, my side hustle, my ministry projects, and now delivering
supplies for the elderly. Then it happened, I woke up with a fever. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I remember looking up to the mirror
that I write all my prayer requests on and read the note I made, <b>“The virus will
not touch my home” </b>and here I was with a fever. I called out of work that morning and
stayed home hoping it was anything else but the virus. Then the symptoms
quickly progressed, and I found myself in the Norwalk drive-up Testing center,
and shortly after, a positive test result. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><b>Why God? I was doing your work. I
prayed that the virus would not touch my home!<o:p></o:p></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><b> I wondered what I did wrong. I
hear Pastors preaching from their pulpits, <o:p></o:p></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><b>"God got me covered, I will not get
sick"<o:p></o:p></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><b>"COVID will not touch my home, I have
work to do!"<o:p></o:p></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><b>"We will walk through COVID covered by the blood untouched"</b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><b>Did I not have enough faith?</b> One
morning my breath was so shallow that I could hardly speak, and I was
exhausted. I stayed off social media because the newsfeed would only feed me
anxiety. I slept through the majority of it but when I could not sleep, I
watched Bible studies, and there was one in particular called, “Miracles of
Jesus” where Bianca Juarez Olthoff was in Israel standing right in front of
Jesus tomb and she said, <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It’s a reminder that we are worth
dying for, therefore Jesus is worth living for!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">She said it with tears welling up in
her eyes and a shake in her voice that made my bones shake. I was disappointed
that God did not answer my prayers the way I wanted. I again looked up at the
writing on the mirror and saw Daniel in the Lion's Den, then the three young
men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walking through the fire and surviving. I
realized that experiencing God’s mercies day- to- day made me think I was
invincible. Then I closed my eyes and thought about my complaint again and I
heard God say in a somewhat humorous tone,<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></p><blockquote>But did you die?</blockquote><o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I thought Corona was going to destroy
me, but God meant it for good. I learned a few things. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">In the 1st chapter of the book of
Mark, Jesus is visiting Simon's mother in law who is ill with fever, so he
heals her. By that evening the reputation of Jesus is growing wild through the
villages. He's a healer, so I can imagine the excitement of the people. From
what scripture tells us... well let me just paste it below. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b>That evening after sunset the people
brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. The whole town gathered
at the door, and Jesus healed many who had various diseases. He also
drove out many demons, but he would not let the demons speak because they knew
who he was. </b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Very early in the morning, while it
was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place,
where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">and
when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!”</span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Jesus replied, “Let us go
somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. </span><span style="color: #b51200; font-size: 12pt;">That is why I have come.” – </span><a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+1%3A29-38&version=NIV" style="font-size: 12pt;" target="_blank">Mark 1, read it.</a></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">In my ignorance, my faith was as if I
had God in my back pocket. Call on him for his blessings when I need him.
That's not loving Him. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Will you love him if he doesn't heal
you? <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Will you love him if he doesn't
respond to your suffering, the way you want? <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Singles, if he doesn't give you
a spouse will Jesus be enough?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Will you love Jesus while the storms of life hit you hard, or will you jump ship believing in yourself. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Yes, God saved Daniel from the Lion's
mouth, but he still got accused and thrown into the Lion's den. Yes,
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego survived the fire, but they got thrown in the
fire. And the part that resonates the most with me about that story is that
they said, even if God doesn't save us we will not bow. YO! They were willing
to die for God. Are you? <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">If you are pulling out the "Jesus
get out of jail free card", then read this next verse. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I Never Knew You</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord,
Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My
Father in heaven. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">22 </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord,
Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name,
and done many wonders in Your name?’ </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">23 </span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b><i>And then I will
declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice
lawlessness!’</i></b>- </span><a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A21-23&version=NIV" style="font-size: 12pt;" target="_blank">Matthew 7:21-23</a></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I don't wish COVID on anyone, but I'm
grateful for what I learned in that time, and how I was corrected. Jesus is
worth living for. Find rest in Him. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Rest is where you hear his voice.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Rest is where you see the blessings
you overlooked.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Rest is where you are recharged and
rejuvenated. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Rest <b>REST</b>ores. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It's not about what you want, it's
about what you need to be more Christ-like. Trust him even when it doesn't make
sense. <b>It's not about you, it’s about Jesus. </b><o:p></o:p></span></p>He died for you so you don't have to go to hell and get what you deserve. He didn't die for you so you can live a carefree life. This world is full of troubles, what he promises is peace in the midst of it. I had it, I had this peace that transcends understanding. I want you to have it too. Time is running out, don't waste it on things that don't matter. </div><div><br /></div><div><a href="https://youtu.be/zY5o9mP22V0" target="_blank">It is well with my soul</a></div>The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0Connecticut, USA41.6032207 -73.08774913.292986863821156 -108.243999 69.913454536178847 -37.931499tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-84004862997925292952020-02-14T12:37:00.000-08:002020-02-14T12:37:28.839-08:00The last time I saw him was Valentine’s Day.
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1n6gMeY2OqXwAyOICw0PHp6Fvj61qTweg" alt="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1n6gMeY2OqXwAyOICw0PHp6Fvj61qTweg" style="max-height: 80%; max-width: 80%; height: auto; width: auto;"><br></div>
I was at work and my ex husband came to pick me up. My manager approached me told me that I needed to go home, it was a family emergency. As I walked to the car I felt my body going numb and my thoughts taking over. Funny how fear can creep into your body and take over. My ex husband pulled over and said, "Your dad died". I had no control over my response, my eyes flooded and I screamed, and I screamed. I don't remember how long I sat there screaming. My ex hugged me and and asked me to breath and it was then I realized I was screaming. I tried to get a grip and I was grateful we were in the car on the side of a desolate road, as I am not one to cause a scene. I don't like attention like that. Then I went silent and my eyes gazed at every passing house, car, store, and person we drove passed. I remember every single thing I saw and my body did not move and my breathing was short.<br>
<br>
When My ex pulled up to the house, they were pulling my dad's body out in a body bag. I didn't get to say good bye. I don't remember him stopping the car, or even myself getting out of the car. All I remember was a viscous tug of war over a body bag with the guy taking my dad. He grabbed my hand and said, "Don't do this". Right then I turned around and realized my entire neighborhood was standing on their porches watching me scream and fight over the body bag. Instant embarrassment kicked in, "what was I doing?"<br>
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I walked upstairs like a zombie as my mind flooded with memories of seeing him at the top of the stairs saying. "Hi" and I giggled cause for a moment I was trapped in my imagination. Outsiders looking in must have thought I was crazy. Then I was awakened by my mom's hug, and her asking me to help her plan his funeral.<br>
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Just like that I went into what I do best, be busy and forget what happened. Focus on the task. I planned everything, shook hands, greeted people, cooked dinners, helped other people mourn my dad.<br>
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My dad wasn't a great dad. He was an abusive alcoholic who did horrendous things to me while intoxicated. But he was my dad. I remember as a kid wishing and praying for bad things to happen to him because I was so scared of him. As a toddler he was my everything, but once I hit eight years old he changed with the drink and so did my love for him.<br>
<br>
So why was I so hurt? Because in the same way he changed when I was eight, he changed again when I was in my teens. He went to church one day as he was a regular church goer but on this one day he read the bible and the words jumped at him and gripped his soul. He had to sit down as he felt that God spoke directly to him. It was the scripture in Ephesians 5:18<br>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit,</span></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">And just like that his journey began. It wasn't overnight, it was a process. Years of depression for what he saw in himself, what he did to others. It was like he finally saw what he was doing to his family and he wanted to make it right. He was trying so hard to make things right pleading for a second chance. The problem was that we found it hard to forgive him. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;"><br></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">I can’t help but think Jonah. A prophet, a man who heard the voice of God and did what God instructed him to do. Except this one time. I don’t know the backstory, but he disliked the people of Nineveh. Jonah knew God would shed mercy on them if he warned them of Gods plans. So he refused to tell them, and he ran initially but in the end, he warned the people to repent. God forgave them but not Jonah had a hard time accepting that God would shed mercy on them. I wish I knew why? Do you think they did something horrendous to him and that’s why he didn’t want God to forgive them? </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;"><br></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">Reading that story as a kid I thought, “wow what a stubborn prophet” but as an adult it hit me. I was being like Jonah, and God responded with, “ is it right for you to be angry” </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">My season of bitterness and unrelenting to God was hell, like living in the belly of a spoiled fish. </span><br>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;"><br></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: Roboto, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">Long story short, I did forgive him. Hating him was killing me. So one day I gained the courage to walk over to him and say it all outloud. "Papi, I want to talk to you...... "</span><br>
I can't remember the exact thing I said, but I remember the ending.<br>
"I forgive you"<br>
<br>
And just like that a burden that I had carried my entire life was lifted. I walked away lighter and life changed. Once I let it go, I stopped looking at him as my enemy. We were finally reconnecting. I had the dad of my dreams. He wasn't perfect but he wasn't that guy who tormented me anymore. He was romancing my mom. <span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;">It was surreal/yet short lived. But when I reflect, I reflect on that. The greats! The laughs! The love! The forgivness that changed it all, just in time too, because I lost him shortly after. </span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;">Last time I saw him was Valentine’s Day, 2/14/2000. I interrupted my parents Valentine’s Day with both of my kids. I literally barged into their bedroom and my kids crawled in the bed with them. We begged my parents to stop kissing and my mom got up and sat with me in the kitchen talking about how romantic my dad was that day while my dad cuddled with the kids watching terminator. Lol </span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;"><br></span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;">Such a sweet last memory! It scares me to think, that my unforgiveness could have robbed me of it. </span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;"><br></span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;">Are you a Jonah? Are you upset that God wants to change someone you hate to love? </span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;">Is it right for you to be upset?</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;">I had a happy ending but I know not many do or will. Will you trust God anyway? </span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;"><br></span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Leave me a comment, share with me your thoughts. </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"><br></span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-87778987749818534592020-01-15T13:59:00.000-08:002020-01-15T19:20:32.412-08:00Are you guilt-laden? <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<img alt="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1Od0oM_nzIDETycAFFTWnpizWqkTzG9at" src="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1Od0oM_nzIDETycAFFTWnpizWqkTzG9at" style="height: auto; max-height: 80%; max-width: 80%; width: auto;" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>I have been digging away in the basement of my soul</b> and trying to clean house and I learned something new about myself that I have not always managed well. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Guilt!</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know guilt is something God designed to alert us and to drive us to repentance, but if I am honest I can really bury myself in guilt. After all, my worst critic is me. I don’t need anyone to punish me, I punish myself and... I will even go to the extent of refusing God to forgive me. I have gotten better over the years, but let me share with you another painfully transparent story. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was seventeen in a committed relationship with my “baby daddy” and I knew he was cheating on me. I received phone calls from friends warning me. I even got a phone call from the other woman. Let me tell you, looking back, I can’t believe that was me. The other woman called me to ask me to leave my apartment and I didn’t get mad at my baby daddy, I was mad at her. I was ready to fight for someone who didn’t even want to be with me, who wasn’t loyal to me. I felt disrespected by her not him. (Talk about misplaced anger.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I did everything in my power to keep him and just recently I asked myself why? </span></div>
<ul style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0;">
<li dir="ltr" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Was it because I had too much pride to allow people to be right about my mistakes? </span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Was it because I insanely loved him? (It was the <a href="https://www.hormone.org/your-health-and-hormones/glands-and-hormones-a-to-z/hormones/oxytocin">oxytocin</a>- look it up) </span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Was it because I wanted to prove people wrong?</span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Was it because I feared to be a single mom?</span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Was it because I feared no one would want me? </span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Was it because I didn’t want my child to grow up without her dad?</span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 11pt; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Was it because I was running from the, “I told you so”?</span></div>
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</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes to all of the above. But who wants to own that? My guilt sired me to unhealthy emotions. Most of which I learned thanks to Max Lucado, fall under two categories, defense, and defeat. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><u>Defense- </u></b>I desperately wanted to keep this mess a secret. I was embarrassed and I invested all of me, into a man who had one foot out the door. I didn’t want anyone to see me as a screw-up, I had to pull it together, hide what happened. And truthfully, I loved him. So the walls came up. </span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t let anyone get close enough to see what is really happening in your life.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><u>Then there is the defeat-</u></b> “This was all my fault and I deserve it”. My perspective had changed from:</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am not making mistakes to now I am the mistake. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was not regulating my guilt. I was wallowing in it. So you know what I did to teach him a lesson? I cheated on him and I wanted him to know I cheated on him. I wanted him to feel what I felt, betrayal and heartbreak.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At the end of the day, I was successful in hurting him. To return the favor, he beat me that night and I covered it up because I deserved it, but at least he was hurting with me. Two people hurting each other, physically and mentally. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">DYSFUNCTION. I know, and it's hard to own this. But today I see all of this around me, I can identify it because I was there. Hiding to defend their false lives, or defeated and broken because they made it worse with revenge. There are too many women like me and there is hope for them too. That’s why I feel called to share this. Change is for everyone, even the dysfunctional emotional messy women. </span></div>
Read this a few times:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Isa 1:18. </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>DUDE I NEEDED THAT LIKE I NEEDED OXYGEN. </b></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I needed a clean slate, I needed a do-over. This time I would get it right, I would commit to a relationship with God and listen to His instruction cause my way was just proven dysfunctional. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">God doesn’t want people to be guilt-laden. I noticed while reading the Bible everyone made mistakes. Listen, if God can change me, he can change you too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I wish I could go back and talk to the seventeen-year-old me. I would tell her to pray the prayer. “God I messed up, please forgive me for…..” and be honest. Expose all of it, it's freeing. Give it all to God. There is nothing worse than a vague general apology, “I’m sorry, I’m a bad person” What are you sorry for? Own it? Pride comes before the fall and your gonna fall bad. Expose the wounds and let Him heal them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sadly I can’t talk to her and change the past, but I can talk to you. Are you guilt-laden? If you don’t allow God to forgive you, you are saying you're bigger than God. Be careful with that. Let Him turn your wounds into wisdom. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
Let me pray for you:<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Lord, I pray for the reader who is guilt-laden. I ask that you give her or him the peace that transcends understanding, lift the veil from their eyes and show them that you are there for them. That there is nothing too big for you to handle. There is nothing you can’t change. There is nothing impossible for you. Surround them with your love and help them heal. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="caret-color: rgb(176, 0, 0); font-size: 14.666666984558105px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I am hoping to post once a month a blog post for 2020. As I write I'm carefully praying for direction as its extremely vulnerable for me. But if you don't want to miss a post, please <a href="http://www.therecycledvirgin.com/" target="_blank">subscribe</a> </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="caret-color: rgb(176, 0, 0); font-size: 14.666666984558105px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="caret-color: rgb(176, 0, 0); font-size: 14.666666984558105px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>-Art of me</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="caret-color: rgb(176, 0, 0); font-size: 14.666666984558105px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>The Recycled Virgin</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="caret-color: rgb(176, 0, 0); font-size: 14.666666984558105px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><a href="http://www.therecycledvirgin.com/">www.therecycledvirgin.com</a></i></span></span></div>
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com1Bridgeport, CT, USA41.1792258 -73.18943839999997241.083624799999996 -73.35079989999997 41.2748268 -73.028076899999974tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-66780843747683806242019-12-30T19:57:00.000-08:002019-12-30T19:57:06.555-08:00Revenge is like...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj39guSIevCSy9hfEf3olUpwbAOagETlWro2thX6Mc71puwBsKd1RSwzCceQcekG2VFd8b8suO0-3dsRDw_9BuEyAxkKKiTfaJZ46FNbogRblmA8QhOBY6twCHTNyM1K_gVVawZKxFy7bM/s1600/%2522Revenge+is+like+peeing+in+your+pants...%2522.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj39guSIevCSy9hfEf3olUpwbAOagETlWro2thX6Mc71puwBsKd1RSwzCceQcekG2VFd8b8suO0-3dsRDw_9BuEyAxkKKiTfaJZ46FNbogRblmA8QhOBY6twCHTNyM1K_gVVawZKxFy7bM/s320/%2522Revenge+is+like+peeing+in+your+pants...%2522.png" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A great philosopher of our time once said, </span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Revenge is like peeing in your pants. Yeah, at first it feels warm and fuzzy but at the end, you only feel cold and wet. - Boss Baby </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This isn't something people want to hear but making them pay won't help you heal. Don't get me wrong, I applaud those who seek justice. If its a case of sexual abuse you technically help by making the person who hurt you accountable to a justice system. In turn, protecting the next person that would've been on the after you. So please do not misunderstand this blog post. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm not concerned with the person who hurt you. I'm concerned with you, the person lugging around pain. Let me share a few stories. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Karyn lost her virginity at 19 to her high school sweetheart. After high school he thought it best to break up for the college years, you know... so they can explore and find themselves. Karyn can't forgive him, and cyberstalks his travels and tells anyone who will listen to how she was hurt by him. She's still single harping on the same story. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Crystal lost her virginity to her high school sweetheart. He did the same and she responded the same for a little while. One day she decided to let it go and forgive him for the heartache it caused. Today Crystal is happily married with a family of her own and can't stop talking about how much she loves her family. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lucy was eight years old when she was sexually abused. She went to her mom and her mom sought justice. Lucy is now 48 years old and struggles with pride, control, and anxiety. All of it rooting back to her childhood traumas and believes that the person who hurt her is not entitled to her forgiveness. Meanwhile, the person who hurt her is clueless about what Lucy feels about them and is simply living life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Bella was eight years old when she was sexually abused. She was too scared to tell anyone. By the time she gained the courage to speak, too much time had passed and justice was sadly not an option for her. It made her angry and bitter till one day she faced the person who hurt her and told them she forgives them. She walked away free, with love in her heart, liberated from what gripped her into the bondage of depression. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just a side note, the person who hurt Bella did end up paying but not by Bella's hand. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When she told me her story I couldn't help but think of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Romans 12: 19</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Corbel, Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">But here is the hardest part to grasp, the person who hurt you needs healing too. And just so it's clear, God loves them too. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Corbel, Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">You heard the popular saying, "hurt people hurt people". It's a vicious cycle, and if you have been hurt chances are you hurt others too. We just get so consumed with ourselves everyone else is justified collateral damage. But the truth is we sin and hurt people too and beg God to forgive us yet find it so hard to forgive others. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Corbel, Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">God was serious when he said Love your enemies. I know its not the popular opinion but God isn't concerned with the popularity he's concerned with your soul. Have you read Matthew 5 lately: </span></span><br />
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<span class="text Matt-5-43" id="en-NIV-23278" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Love for Enemies</span></h3>
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<span class="text Matt-5-43" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">43 </span>You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-23278AX" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-23278AX" title="See cross-reference AX">AX</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><span class="text Matt-5-44" id="en-NIV-23279" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">44 </span>But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-23279AY" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-23279AY" title="See cross-reference AY">AY</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span> <span class="text Matt-5-45" id="en-NIV-23280" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">45 </span>that you may be children<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-23280AZ" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-23280AZ" title="See cross-reference AZ">AZ</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-23280BA" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-23280BA" title="See cross-reference BA">BA</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span> </blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pretty clear, and I know its easier said than done. After all, we are raised in a world where you're taught early to make people pay. But you're accountable for what you know. I know its a process, respect the process, give it the time, pray to God for strength. Because this is not impossible and it works. You want to heal, pray for your enemy and forgive them. It's freeing. I promise. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just today I heard someone say, </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">some people love to be the victim and they don't even know they love it.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do you love it? </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let's walk into 2020 without the baggage of revenge. God will handle it for you, don't worry. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Art of me</span></div>
The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-12078119567102539152019-10-03T06:53:00.000-07:002019-10-03T06:53:10.585-07:00To the mom of a molested child<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="display: inline; font-size: 12pt;"><img alt="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=18FBuyYTjkMU6FVAa8hbaAYFDpiZnxbxn" src="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=18FBuyYTjkMU6FVAa8hbaAYFDpiZnxbxn" style="font-size: 12pt; height: auto; max-height: 80%; max-width: 80%; text-align: left; width: auto;"></span></div>
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<span style="display: inline; font-size: 12pt;">Dear Mom,</span></div>
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I don't know how to say this to you. I know your hurting and every time I see you cry I feel like its my fault. Every time someone mentions that your going through a hard time, I feel like its my fault. When you cry in the shower, I feel like its my fault. I know your going through something, but this didn't happen to you, it happened to me. I want to be there for you, and I want to help you get through this, but my innocence was taken not yours. I am trying to find myself in all of this, I can't help you. So if I get quiet, if I stay distant, its because I am trying to heal, and I can't heal helping you. I need you to help me. You can't get mad at me, your not allowed. My world fell apart as a child who needs and rely's on your wisdom and guidance to get through this, but if your going to fall apart and make me feel like your pain is my fault than I can't go to you. I will look somewhere else. </blockquote>
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- signed the art of me to scared to say it</blockquote>
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Very few people know who I am, I sign off every piece of writing as the "Art of Me", because I truly feel that is what God did, He worked me into art. But I also did this to ensure my family is protected as God asked me to be painfully transparent and vulnerable in these post. There are secrets that carry shame and I wanted to honor my parents and my family by protecting them as much as I can.<br>
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I actually had a hard time writing this as I envision the women on the other side of this seeing the title and knowing this is for her. But know that I do not write this to hurt you, I am only writing this to give you hard truths, which will not at first feel good, but you will see, eventually it will give you hope.<br>
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I was about eight years when it started, and it didn't stop till I was about eleven or twelve. I won't go into details as its not important and its not healthy for me to think of such things. But I was recently asked by a mom who said,<br>
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How do you get over it? </blockquote>
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<span style="display: inline; font-size: 12pt;">The answer is you don't. You never forget what happened to you. Its part of you forever, but it doesn't define me. I am not a doctor, or a therapist, but its my story and I can tell you my recovery process and say the best advice is not to make it about you, it’s about the child. Some moms get so consumed with revenge, others justice, but at the end of the day..... it still happened and you can't undo it. Some pretend it didn't happen and I can honestly say I resented those who pretended not to know because they were to scared to protect me.</span><img alt="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1XKfd_EyFmGRrqSsLc6450b58PSTQ23-5" src="https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1XKfd_EyFmGRrqSsLc6450b58PSTQ23-5" style="font-size: 12pt; height: auto; max-height: 80%; max-width: 80%; text-align: left; width: auto;"></div>
I also felt like garbage, and for a long time I didn't practice boundaries because my boundaries were violated so young. I didn't protect my purity either because it was stripped from me without my consent. I didn’t understand what was happening either. I felt like there was nothing to protect so I allowed everything and anything till I was an empty shell laying on the roof of my home tanning, hoping to fall asleep and roll off by accident because I was too scared to slit my wrist or take my life.<br>
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I was a fragile human being and I needed to grieve, I needed counseling, I needed guidance and I needed pure unconditional love as I was lost, confused, broken but seeking answers to the "why me?" I was so lost and confused I couldn’t pin point where it all went wrong the only thing I knew was that....
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I was the problem </blockquote>
So mom, I need you to pull it together. I know you're going through a hard time, but God gave you your child and entrusted you, knowing you could handle this. So if you don’t believe in yourself believe in Gods ability to pull you through.<br>
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I learned something in a <a href="https://www.purityandpeace.com/post/purpose-in-the-pain" title="Purity & Peace">Purity+ Peace</a> Bible study and its the stages of grief.<br>
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li>Denial</li>
<li>Anger</li>
<li>Bargaining</li>
<li>Depression</li>
<li>Acceptance</li>
</ol>
We can get stuck in any of the first four, but real recovery came when I accepted it and then <b>forgave</b>. I know that's hard to hear, but its honest. It didn't happen over night, it was a process, so please respect the process. Give it time and remain hopeful, your child needs to see hope. But this needs to be in her or his time, and choice. The worst thing you could tell me at the time was that if I wanted to heal that I would have to forgive the man who stole my identity and innocence. </div>
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Yet, it was the right answer as it was a scary leap of faith to forgive. However, once on the other side of facing my fear and forgiving, I found peace.</blockquote>
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Healing had begun, but the scars all remained, they just no longer hurt me.<br>
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I'm not telling you to avoid justice. God is a just God and demands justice. But at the end of the day hurt people hurt people and even the monster has a past that lead him or her to that horrible choice. They need healing too.<br>
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God placed me in a position where I looked at the man who I hated for years as a victim too, and I prayed for him and his healing. It is all so hard to explain, but I guess that's God for you.</div>
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All I can say is that in forgiveness God restored my family, mended the relationship with parents, and restored me and used me after to help others.<br>
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The best thing you could do for your child, is don't make it about you and pray for your child. I banked on my mothers prayers and I don't think I would be able to communicate this if she hadn't prayed all those years for me not truly understanding what I was going through.<br>
Prayer is the hand that moves the hand of God. Just Pray.<br>
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To the person who was molested carrying the heavy secret, I understand your pain and I'm praying for you. You are not the problem, you are the victim and you won't be a victim forever, one day you will be the over comer. Go to God.<br>
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-The Art of Me</div>
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-15746525111039341972019-09-12T19:04:00.000-07:002019-09-12T19:04:45.920-07:00Three steps to Purity- By the Recycled Virgin<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwZ7118pumyOkagWfNKC-a6tntbKpcj1pA4MzrGgPezrd4kTU1xPk7BwEEcUdVXdIDwhc23CWS04h98LaGGuV0-R3IJ0WBSQVGkvXeB-Fp7xe2WmR8FTPjNxUowZxVTpAws8EumGWSLc8/s1600/3+steps+to+purity.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="315" data-original-width="560" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwZ7118pumyOkagWfNKC-a6tntbKpcj1pA4MzrGgPezrd4kTU1xPk7BwEEcUdVXdIDwhc23CWS04h98LaGGuV0-R3IJ0WBSQVGkvXeB-Fp7xe2WmR8FTPjNxUowZxVTpAws8EumGWSLc8/s320/3+steps+to+purity.jpg" width="320" style="max-height: 80%; max-width: 80%; height: auto; width: auto;"></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So… I looked up the word recycle, and this is what I found. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Return (material) to a previous stage in a cyclic process</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe Recycled virgin isn’t the best name, but in reality
looking back that’s exactly what was happening. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was a single mom, abandoned to raise her kids alone,
carrying trauma, and still fighting to attain her dreams. What were those dream? I am still trying to figure that out. But writing would surely be one of them. Sadly I put it on the back burner more often then I should. But I digress, let’s
go back to recycle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wanted to offer something that I thought you might want to
revisit if you’re on this journey of purity. And when I say purity, I mean
purity of mind, body and soul. <b>Cause let’s face it if you don’t take control of
your thoughts your thoughts will take over and can literally kill you</b>. Its more
than just sex, lust and all that good stuff we are holding out for, for our husbands. It’s
about our minds, our thoughts. So I thought I share a few things I did to help
me keep my purity.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u> ONE- I
stopped watching TV</u></span></b></li></ul></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I stopped watching TV. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t
standing over my TV set with holy water rebuking it. I just realized I loved
romance, and would find myself desiring it more after watching it. I even went
to bed feeling lonely, so lonely, I would reconnect with toxic people. Being self-aware
is key in this journey, but be honest with yourself. Sometimes something as
little as a TV show would sway me the wrong way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: left;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Don’t let loneliness reconnect you with toxic people. You
shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty”- Unknown </span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I also noticed that if I watched too much of one show, I slowly but surely ended up picking up the culture and language (Mostly cool
jokes) but nonetheless, fictional speech was creeping into my reality. It’s like when someone from New York visits Alabama, to come back with a southern twang. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Plus I must admit “no TV time” made me very productive in
business and my gym life.</span><br>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><u style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">TWO- I stopped shaving my
legs and wore granny panties</span></u></li></ul></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK so this is one about sex, but this was the extreme I had
to go. I was an adult, with children, who obviously had sex, (No Jane the virgin
here) and I was dating. Yes I grew up in church, yes I know Jesus, but yes I
knew what sex felt like and I wanted it probably more than the guy wanted it at
times. So I had to safeguard myself and metal chastity belts were not for sale on amazon. So I didn’t buy the sexy panties, I bought the comfy but ugly granny panties, and I
didn’t do any landscaping when I knew a date was around the corner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here’s another note about being self-aware; I had my pride.
I was not going to be known as the granny pantie wearing Sasquatch. I know what you’re
thinking, “Pride comes before the fall” but in this case, Pride was my friend
in keeping my purity and I’m sure God looked down and was like, “use it like I
used the two fish”.</span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had to work with what I had. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THREE- I spent alone time
with God</span></b></li></ul></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If there is anything you should remember it should be this. You
don’t hear from God in doing the right thing, or being the right person, or
staying busy in church or charity. You hear from God when you are alone with
him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <span style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; display: inline !important;">When you’re “BEING STILL”</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Begin with, “this is all about you and me God”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I promise you, you
will be amazed at the response and direction. But you have to square away time
for HIM.<br>He laughs with you too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For example, this morning I was driving to someone’s house
that I barely know. She had a need and I knew I could help. Did I want to? Not
really, I rather stay in bed and sleep. But I remembered what it was like alone
raising a family and had it not been for my church family, I don’t know where I
would be. So I offered to help. On my way to her house I was thinking about my
quality time with God and how lacking it’s been, and just when I went to
apologize <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I had a loud interrupting
thought</b> that said, “I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the
least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!” Matthew 25:
40</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It really took over my brain, and just like that I smiled
and giggled. It was like Jesus said, “Don’t go there girl” we can all get
sidetracked on the path of negative self-talk, even in our spiritual walk. Living
Holy isn’t doing things; living Holy is a byproduct of knowing a real God and
having a relationship with Him. God knows your shortcoming, he knows your flaws
and he uses them all for his glory. He used my pride in the previous example,
so I know he is not looking for perfection, He’s looking for genuine relationship.
<o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you mess up, shed yourself grace. Try again! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hope this helps you. If you want me to pray for you on your journey please drop a comment below. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Blessings</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-Art of Me</span><br>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Recycled Virgin</span></div>
</div>
The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-58002264045974967142019-08-26T14:08:00.000-07:002019-08-26T14:08:40.992-07:00Don't inform God; consult with Him first!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTFR-udTOJdxLvJ9Z_QUHdNtMhiwZJSeKV5uuWginJcnyZOpj3IWACDCnHs5fjjzrcnFHKSipJSRde3UaZsQp7IX8vm0Z9thp188_BYbbcvFQP6v2Jm7veVsmrvS0OKVAobwspNq7aCV4/s1600/Don%2527t+inform+God%253B+consult+with+him+first.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTFR-udTOJdxLvJ9Z_QUHdNtMhiwZJSeKV5uuWginJcnyZOpj3IWACDCnHs5fjjzrcnFHKSipJSRde3UaZsQp7IX8vm0Z9thp188_BYbbcvFQP6v2Jm7veVsmrvS0OKVAobwspNq7aCV4/s320/Don%2527t+inform+God%253B+consult+with+him+first.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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I recently sat at church listening to a great sermon but
something strange happened in my mind. So strange I had to pick up a pen and
write down my thoughts. The Pastor was talking about how we inform God but we
don’t consult God. We go to Him with our agenda and our choices and expect Him
to bless it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Pastor used an example that he encounters often of a couple that came
into his office asking for premarital counseling. The first thing the pastor asked ask them, is
if they are prepared to cancel or post pone the wedding, if in this counseling
session it is determined they are not ready to marry. He said 95% of the time
they respond, “We already booked the venue, and the caterer- No”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pastor then responds with, “then you’re
not here for counseling, you’re here to inform me of your arrangements”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While he shared the story, I will admit a little pride rose
in me as I knew I was of the 5% that was willing to cancel if he said we were
not ready or even worse not meant to be. It was then my mind went down memory
lane and I missed half the sermon to this overwhelming amount of thoughts. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The first</b> was of
a night I fell asleep on the couch and found myself dreaming that my daughter
was an adult and on her way to meet a boy. When I woke up, my teenager was
walking down the stairs and everything happened like a Deja vu and I asked her,"who are you skipping school with?". In that exact moment her body
language changed to pure outrage as she thought her friends told me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The next</b> was of a
time of heart break. I was dating Richard and we were both praying that God
would reveal to both of us if we should pursue marriage. Everything on my end
came back with, </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Daughter I charge thee, not to awaken love till its ready to
be awaken”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He felt like I rejected him. So I disregarded the message and ended up severely heart broken. I should've listened. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The next</b> was of
my previous post I shared with all of you, of the man I was dating that God revealed there was death inside. The man I was dating was practicing Santeria. I know all of these sounds crazy. There are moments I feel like I am
going crazy. But every single one of those moments was RIGHT!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Then there was the
time</b> where I was reluctant and would have missed on something great. I thought I knew better than to get involved
with my friend Clark who had a history of being quite the heart breaker. But
everything lead to a yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I questioned
God, “Are you serious?” Today I have to be honest and say, I can’t wish for
better than what God gave me in my husband. God was clear that He had prepared Clark for me, and me for Clark. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>And then it hit me
like a flood</u></b> as I sat there in the church pew. It was as if God said, “Have
I ever steered you wrong? Consult with me, and trust my decisions even when it
hurts”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was for a job offer that
seemed perfect. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
People always pray, “God if it’s for me open the doors” but
I realized that even the enemy opens the doors too. </blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not everything that is good, is from God. I turned down the job, cause everything in me said it was
the wrong move. In one moment I was clear that God said no and I turned it
down at that moment. Why? Because I had the strength and clarity in that moment. Then the next day, I doubted the moment of clarity. Hey… I’m human. The
coolest part about it, was that he keeps validating me through the season of
doubt. Sometimes in a bible scripture, at times with a friend, other times listening to a sermon. I think I would
get frustrated if I saved someone from a bad choice and they regretted it
daily. I have so much to learn. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sister- Don't inform God; consult with Him first!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br /></div>
The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-62501316005295989022019-06-06T11:04:00.002-07:002019-06-06T11:17:48.917-07:00He waited for me to get divorced<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNvvwWjnScVRYcFcwPsK9JL6w6J518jGvqND9N4fW-wCDuzOu7XGDrX4OTnbHDCHybqZbQbCvKHXme9O2jB2zHpiJhEdpoQ7emvMgjgTKdfOgX5uPTWouviorUqzAHrcaGVN9WZWo3z0/s1600/I+had+a+man+wait+for+me+to+get+%25281%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHNvvwWjnScVRYcFcwPsK9JL6w6J518jGvqND9N4fW-wCDuzOu7XGDrX4OTnbHDCHybqZbQbCvKHXme9O2jB2zHpiJhEdpoQ7emvMgjgTKdfOgX5uPTWouviorUqzAHrcaGVN9WZWo3z0/s320/I+had+a+man+wait+for+me+to+get+%25281%2529.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I sat at the court house recently watching a judge pound the
gavel on the table saying, “Marriage dissolved good luck to you…. Next case” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was there to support a friend because I remember what it
was like. I remember everyone being so happy that I was finally divorcing, all except me. I felt like a failure and my kids were hurting. I wanted to mourn my
marriage and they wanted to celebrate it, so I went alone. Time drags while you
are waiting. I was sitting completely alone and inside me the thoughts consumed
me, caused my hands to shake, then my stomach to turn and my chest to tighten.
By the time the judge called us my head was cloudy and before I knew it the
gavel was in the air about to strike, and my throat wanted to scream, “I’m not
ready” but I stood there quietly as fear gripped me that all the years that I
invested was over with the strike of his gavel. 2.2 seconds changed what felt like a lifetime of trying to make it work. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
When you’re alone, isolated from the world in your pain, the
enemy creeps in to remind you of mistakes, failures, and if you sit long enough
listening he will grip your soul with fear. </blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWdVQX-cQRswDBAwFfWrpokDwYK3LeecB-saHQIcqghOxKqBoROuBxx4H2RUKBTPlwSde3ul2gDflSgLtQa8o2KGQTmLUHURwUz1I29i4ECcdMCWaVSE3jRIpN17erLf_Jy-8ARXcvppw/s1600/When+you%25E2%2580%2599re+alone%252C+isolated+from+the+world+in+your+pain%252C+the+enemy+creeps+in+to+remind+you+of+mistakes%252C+failures%252C+and+if+you+sit+long+enough+listening+he+will+grip+your+soul+with+fear.+%25281%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="1400" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWdVQX-cQRswDBAwFfWrpokDwYK3LeecB-saHQIcqghOxKqBoROuBxx4H2RUKBTPlwSde3ul2gDflSgLtQa8o2KGQTmLUHURwUz1I29i4ECcdMCWaVSE3jRIpN17erLf_Jy-8ARXcvppw/s640/When+you%25E2%2580%2599re+alone%252C+isolated+from+the+world+in+your+pain%252C+the+enemy+creeps+in+to+remind+you+of+mistakes%252C+failures%252C+and+if+you+sit+long+enough+listening+he+will+grip+your+soul+with+fear.+%25281%2529.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I went into shock, because all I remember after that
point was my ex-husband helping me out the courtroom asking me to breath. I had
my first full on panic attack. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I
came too, the tears were uncontrollable and my ex stood before me saying, “I don’t
get it, you filed for this divorce”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They say divorce is second to death in trauma. It was a dark
place after that because I let my thoughts take over. With that said, I was not
going to let any of my friends go alone to the most painful experience ever. So
this time, we talked. We talked about anything and everything other than what
was going on. I was not going to let her thoughts consume her. But I understood her position more than she knew. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me explain, I was pregnant at 15 with my daughter, then again at 17 with
my son, and due to all the drama in our relationship my third was a miscarriage.
Talk about “Fertile Myrtle”; the second two pregnancies were on birth control. I
thought that if we married God would bless us. I know it was dumb, but we did
everything wrong so I figured if we cover it with a holy covenant, it would
make it right. Then I wouldn’t feel guilty about going to God with my prayer
request. But it didn’t. The cheating started, and then it was a tit for tat on
the cheating. Yes you read that right, I cheated too. I was so hurt with the
neglect that the first instance or hint of affection from someone else came, I
took it. That doesn’t justify it at all, I made things worse. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was the most dysfunctional relationship and one day it
hit me watching a preaching by Joyce Meyers. She said something along the lines
of, <o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
There are people out there rushing into sacred vows with
people that God told you to stay away from. Then you’re calling on him to bless
something He didn’t put together! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m so sorry God, I had it all wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few days after hearing this, he came home drunk with
police in pursuit because he crashed our brand new car into a parked car and
put some poor women in the hospital. I was done. He moved out that day, but I
filed for divorce two years later. Why? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because the guy I was dating asked me too. Yup, one month
alone and my dumb self<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>justified it as, “I
deserve to be loved.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I dated. He was
so good to me too, he just loved me like crazy. Ok, so he didn’t believe in God.
But at the moment he answered everything else on my checklist. The topping to
the cake was that he had already proposed marriage and was waiting for me to divorce.
This man would do anything for me, he even cried for me! My heart was vested, and
I was listening to it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So my divorce was final and I was plagued with confusion. My
then fiancé, felt hurt that I was depressed about my divorce so our
relationship was now strained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is
a popular meme circulating the internet<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>saying, “If he is married with someone other than you, then God is not
leading you to him” Funny how the majority of those memes are one sided addressing women, yet
when you’re the woman leaving your marriage for another man it doesn’t apply to
him or you. BUT It does, if you start a relationship with someone in a relationship, you will build on insecurity and anxiety. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="text"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">The heart is deceitful above all things</span></span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 5.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></span><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"></span><span class="text"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">and
beyond cure.</span></span></span></span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 5.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></span><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"></span><span class="text"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">Who can
understand it?</span></span> Jeremiah 17:9</span></span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God understands it and thankfully He is merciful and
forgiving. I made a mess, I hurt my family and I did start my planning with my then
fiance, who left me for his secretary. But looking back if I am honest, I
wanted the fairy tale wedding and a guy that adored me. The lie all women believe. That’s not what marriage
is. Marriage is an intimate act between two imperfect people displaying the
intimacy that God has for us. Marriage is a calling to reflect God's image and intimacy. That means you loving them even when they don’t
love you. That means you willing to sacrifice for them even if they are selfish. That means you forgiving even when they don’t deserve it. That means
focusing on God’s calling not yourself. And I know that seems unfair but
what if you marry a man that understands that and applies that as well. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one would object or cringe to the word "submit" if that were the case right? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Women, God is letting you make that
choice. You have the power to choose who you marry. It’s not about who selects
you, and fits the checklist. Many will ask for you, but only one will God say
yes to, then its up to you to say yes or no. What God puts together, no man or woman can rip from you, so why be fearful, why settle? Know your worth and if this is your story take time to heal. I learned more about myself in the season of healing, that I have to admit, I started to value myself more and people saw it. Before I knew it, my Clark Kent did too. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkCguwSbOx2XpePdgZwWu_cVhT2QPDm8wjAqdSaibUZQ0sHwlBM-xeBVOiahbUMS2sW5zaX51_vNTRv8l0vYmYqLRX4nuB2ftRi-0J924oP6NGmo7bBB0uoV6_wa3qlySr8iKMpm2gtu0/s1600/there+is+nothing+more+beautiful.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="789" data-original-width="940" height="335" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkCguwSbOx2XpePdgZwWu_cVhT2QPDm8wjAqdSaibUZQ0sHwlBM-xeBVOiahbUMS2sW5zaX51_vNTRv8l0vYmYqLRX4nuB2ftRi-0J924oP6NGmo7bBB0uoV6_wa3qlySr8iKMpm2gtu0/s400/there+is+nothing+more+beautiful.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Don't forget to subscribe! </div>
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-950938409728169972019-05-29T12:11:00.000-07:002019-05-29T12:12:12.333-07:00The pressure trap of tulips<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6qVONxSEAWcP5mFKXOWU08zcqohRfT6DQcGVxlBHNmySQjLEGLvg-VwE-xMuXWX1kBicoLZLz43lFSW5qjh0NKk18teoJsC5GaLmoJpZepa95Q_KH-Y_jXVONXkIUMzjpYxd_hYewdMQ/s1600/Girls+Trip%2521.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6qVONxSEAWcP5mFKXOWU08zcqohRfT6DQcGVxlBHNmySQjLEGLvg-VwE-xMuXWX1kBicoLZLz43lFSW5qjh0NKk18teoJsC5GaLmoJpZepa95Q_KH-Y_jXVONXkIUMzjpYxd_hYewdMQ/s320/Girls+Trip%2521.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Single ladies,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t want you to feel alone in your
sentiment. So I want to share this story with you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I had to describe
the feeling it was like all my friends and I were standing on this fertile
ground and one by one each girl would look down at her feet and a big beautiful
tulip sprouted right in front of her. Everyone had a tulip but me, and I didn’t
know why.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watered the ground
around me with miracle grow, and everyone around me was like, </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“don’t worry
yours will bloom soon”</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I wanted to be a big girl about it and be happy for
them, but did you feel like I felt at the time; jealous? There were even times
where I compared myself with the other woman saying, “I can take better care of
the tulips than they can” “I would be a much better caregiver to these tulips,
I even have plans that will make the tulips happy, I am not as selfish as that
girl with ALL the tulips” . I’m actually giggling at my analogy of tulips. I
love gardening, can you tell? Plus Bridgeport has an amazing display of tulips
so it’s fresh on my mind. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think you get the point, I was jealous and comparing
myself as being the better option, why wasn’t anyone picking me? Well, at least
I can look back and say I had a good self-esteem about myself. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">Here is what happened: </span></u></b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><br /></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I met a guy at church; he came to our church as a guest worship
leader. Once the ladies found out he was single they quickly introduced us BUT
he had just signed a record contract and was moving to Florida. All logic said,
“It won’t work, you love Connecticut and he’s moving. Long distance is hard”
but all my friends were in relationships and I wanted one too and the chemistry
was there. So he left and before I knew it I was on a girl’s trip on my way to
Miami. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now when I say everything that could go wrong went wrong I
am not kidding. They could’ve made a comedy out of that trip; “Wine Country”
has nothing on this trip. First the shuttle dropped us off at the wrong side of
the airport, and then we nearly lost our pants running because we had no time
to put our belts on after the check point. (everyone saw my underwear that day,
and my cousins thong) Then once on the plane, the plane was delayed, due to
late luggage, our luggage. Go figure! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we arrived in Miami, one of our suitcases was devoured
by the conveyor belt. It looked like a bear shredded it. The airport did<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>give us new luggage to make up for the attack
on our luggage and we were on our way to the hotel room that was infested with
ants. So we switched hotel rooms and finally fell asleep. The next morning we
figured we relax by the pool side tanning and my cousin fainted because she had
what I assumed was a heat stroke. Imagine all the girls dragging one girl by
her arms to the nearest shower and forcing Gatorade down her throat. Did I
mention she busted her lip and bruised her face when she fell? But that night
was date night and I was not going to let all these “signs” tell me otherwise. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By night fall, I was dressed to impressed and ready to hit
the town.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> He</span> arrived and in all
honesty he looked amazing. Tall, dark, handsome and a voice that could drop
panties across the state, I mean <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“would
lift your spirits and encourage your soul”. It was the perfect date night,
flowers, dinner and a stroll on the beach which by the way he took a moment to
lock eyes with me and sing a love ballet. It was so good people walking by
stopped to applaud when he was done. Then we got back to the hotel and sealed
the night with a kiss. Beautiful, colorful, it was a tulip. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Was the trip worth it? </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
No, </blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next morning he called me to
cancel our breakfast plans because his producer called.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said we would meet for lunch, but lunch
came and went and I waited. Dinner came and went I waited. He didn’t even call
me, as a matter of fact I never heard from him again. He was alive as he was
posting on social media. Then the water went in the hotel room and when it
finally turned on it was brown and disgusting and we couldn’t even shower my
depression away. To add to my misery <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my
sister caught an infection and ended up with a fever and on our way home from
beautiful Miami we ended up in the hospital where she had a full on staff
infection. Talk about chasing the wrong path and paying consequences and
dragging my family and friends into the consequences. Guess I found my tulip
right? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wasn’t waiting for a tulip that sprouts up and dies within
the season. God planted a tree for me, that would flourish all seasons, but it
takes time to grow. I was upset over tulips that are beautiful and so colorful,
but quickly wither and die, yet I wanted it. Don’t get me wrong not all my
girlfriends were with tulips, some were with trees. But for some reason our
eyes focus on the tulips; </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
maybe because it answers the “now”, not “forever”. </blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hold out for forever, it teaches patience that you will need in a marriage and
its worth waiting for. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><sup><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“ </span></sup></b><span class="woj"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">So if you sinful people know
how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly
Father give good gifts to those who ask him” Matthew 7:11<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="woj"><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "verdana" , "sans-serif";">If you asked God for it, wait on it. Don't fall for the pressure trap of seasonal tulips. </span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br /></div>
The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0Bridgeport, CT, USA41.1792258 -73.18943839999997241.083624799999996 -73.35079989999997 41.2748268 -73.028076899999974tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-87271661187181972062019-04-29T09:56:00.001-07:002019-04-29T09:57:10.125-07:00In honor of the dead beat dad <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbOor8_XuAvxXDEBvftMVIoRcOp3Bw0HI5JZNQ_j3Y0afTshV7hJZ5WTQzt5TrsBOsio2RMBKWnatN0hKbQ4ChBPf9PUxOG_hQ8Kpa_ta5jQfjhLB8COynmbR7D2Gy1qlSqyICUCicMaA/s1600/Capture.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="635" data-original-width="780" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbOor8_XuAvxXDEBvftMVIoRcOp3Bw0HI5JZNQ_j3Y0afTshV7hJZ5WTQzt5TrsBOsio2RMBKWnatN0hKbQ4ChBPf9PUxOG_hQ8Kpa_ta5jQfjhLB8COynmbR7D2Gy1qlSqyICUCicMaA/s320/Capture.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My husband’s father passed away recently. Although I have
experienced death before this time things were different. My husband was raised
by a single mother. His dad was present in his life as the part-time weekend
dad. He wasn’t an ideal father. He had his short comings as everyone else does.
I couldn’t help but think about his past, what he might of endured growing up
that cultivated him into the man he was on his death bed. Some would call him a "dead beat dad", <b>not me,</b> he served his purpose. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When my husband got the call I was sound asleep, and rather
than wake me up he went to the other room and once done with the call silently
crawled back into bed. Then in the morning he woke up, kissed my forehead and
woke me up with, “Good morning mi amor, have a good day”. Once up and ready for
work my daughter scrolling through the Facebook news feed read the news that my
father in law had passed away. I quickly called my husband and he told me, “I
didn’t want to ruin your morning, but I got the call last night” and I just
took a deep breath and said, “are you OK?” he said yes and changed the subject
to shift my direction that he was at work and needed to get off the phone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was surprised, days followed and nothing, just silence. He
was his normal self and I worried about how this was affecting him internally. After
all it was his dad, good or bad, there is a sense of connection with this man
and I wondered what was going on. I know I didn’t marry a cold man; this is the
same man who cried as I walked down the isle, he was not heartless. Yet I didn’t
see him cry. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the weekend approached I tried to cancel plans but my
husband was insistent that it was business as usual. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So on Saturday my husband
worked all day without a bite to eat, just indulged into his work. That evening
was out date night with another couple. Now my husband is not one to get drunk
at all, but he had a beer on an empty stomach and became very chatty. I must
admit I loved it as he is not one to talk about his feelings; he normally
deflects emotions with jokes and laughs his pain away. But he sat back in the
car on his way home and told me that the day he got the call of his fathers
death he dreamed he was opening the door to a smoldering hot furnace, then
quickly followed with, “I do not equate dreams with reality” as he knew my mind
sent me into worry. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then he leaned back and said, </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Is the world a horrible place
without my father? No, it’s probably better without him, but at the end of the
day, he still my dad.” </blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t help it at this point; tears were strolling
down my face. Not everyone gets the super hero dad my husband is. Then he said,</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“I couldn’t help but think of the people I knew he
hurt, so I thought it would be best that I called them to tell them he was gone
and as his son I wanted to apologize for the pain he caused them”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was quite the burden to take on. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today my thoughts are lost on my husband. That was such a
heavy burden to take on but what an honorable way to honor his father. His
presence and absence in my husband’s life somehow shaped the amazing man that
he is today. My husband has the kind heart of his mother but his amazing gift
to create is one that people often credit to his father. He had the best of
both worlds<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>captured in him and he is
such a good husband, good father, good friend, so loving and caring, and the kind
of man that does things in secret never seeking applause. Would he be that way, had his father been present more? </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Things that make you go hmmmm. </blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I will say this; I honor my father in law. He blessed my
life tremendously and because of him I see that God makes no mistakes. My Clark
Kent walks the earth by my side because of him. Every life has purpose and
everyone will fulfill what God desires of them. My father in law may not have
been the ideal person, but he left this world leaving some amazing treasures,
doing amazing things and for that I honor him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br /></div>
The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-83840378100843415292019-04-25T07:36:00.001-07:002019-04-25T07:40:51.217-07:00What crushing moments taught me...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjokEUsaD_c5tanrWqdwqCsm-iUmiOd8cH6y6HRZzxi86VtTxS1NgY9dv2zWtSubXprBu-O3xW-Yf8ggt3v8fxdoAx4aN3NmMke1WBHFRDWkutxlT_3jaX9bIE8H9hUsAqo0NeEYZX-JYI/s1600/Capture.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="664" data-original-width="799" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjokEUsaD_c5tanrWqdwqCsm-iUmiOd8cH6y6HRZzxi86VtTxS1NgY9dv2zWtSubXprBu-O3xW-Yf8ggt3v8fxdoAx4aN3NmMke1WBHFRDWkutxlT_3jaX9bIE8H9hUsAqo0NeEYZX-JYI/s320/Capture.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><u>Crushing moments</u></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Relationships are hard and I am not talking about just
romantic relationships. I’m talking all relationships. Family relationships,
friendships, and courting relationships, they all take real work and it's easy
to put the work into people you like. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is that one friend that calls you
at the most inconvenient times but you don’t care, they need you. There is the
sibling that calls and you pick up every call and will share every burden with them and then there is the other sibling that makes you cringe and pray to God to give you the strength to
deal with the conversation. I think you get the idea. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Or maybe you’re the person that everyone is dodging. I know
I have played that role in certain seasons in my life too. Its seasonal don't worry. This blog is filled with
crushing moments. Heart aches and wasted time by someone's definition. But in my definition, none of it was wasted; all of it served a purpose. There was a time I wondered if I had
a target on my forehead for pain. But lately I have been looking back at my past as well as my friends and I saw something mind blowing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One friend was abused as a child and had a mother who showed
no affection. Today she’s this boss woman who nurtures her daughter in love. She's an amazing mom. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One friend had a dad who abandoned him when he was young.
Today he’s a single dad; but a present dad, doing his best and it shows. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One friend suffered from depression anxiety and fear as a
child. Today she has a ministry helping women heal. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One friend was given up for adoptions and suffered
abandonment issues. Today she works in the foster system helping children find
homes. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One friend suffered a painful betrayal in her marriage that
ended in divorce. Today she’s married to a man who adores her and they are
happy on baby number three. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One friend can’t have children. Today she is serving as a missionary being a mom to a hurting world of God’s children.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"Crushing moments are painful but they are seasonal; it is not a
destination."</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Every failed relationship taught me what I didn’t want and
lead me to what I have.</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Every crushing moment produced endurance that created a
growth that I can’t easily explain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Every painful destination, and ugly place was like being
planted in earthworm consumed dirt with a heavy dropping of fertilizer that in
its rightful time produced fruit. </span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It was dark, scary and ugly but I grew in those places. The common denominator between all my friends and myself is Jesus. And
without Him most will camp out in these ugly places and make it their permanent residence never to see the light of day.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Someone asked me career advice today and I told them find
your tribe, those who will discipline you, those who will challenge you, those
who will inspire you and those who will push you. If you want to survive the
crushing places you need to do the same and Jesus has to be the head of that
tribe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Shocking update: </b>Jesus had a tribe and in that tribe was a Judas. He knew he would get betrayed and He washed his feet anyway. All those difficult people you are trying to dodge, serve purpose too. I'm not saying take in the toxic relationships. I'm saying that the ones you have endured served a purpose in "pruning you". In order for Jesus to go to the cross there had to be a betrayal, there had to be a Judas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Every relationship, good, bad, ugly, horrific, serves a
purpose and one day you will say like Joseph… “<b><sup><span style="background: white; color: black; line-height: 115%;"> </span></sup></b><span style="background: white; color: black;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He
brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people” Gen 50:20<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: white; color: black;">If you don’t know the story please go read it. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maybe one day you will sing like David in the Psalms 119:71 “my
suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"My God! It was all good for me." - Art of Me</span></blockquote>
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-76105366050263169722018-12-27T09:55:00.000-08:002018-12-27T09:55:57.361-08:004 Steps to fix the fight for the New Year<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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One of the questions I get often from my single friends is, "how did you fight your desires?" Lets be real, I was not a virgin yet I was reclaiming my virginity. Hence the title of this blog. The only thing that got me through was my daily time with God, and I kept all my writings. Here is one I want to share with you, and I pray it helps. It was written in 2011 and it resonated loudly on my approach for 2019.<br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">FIX THE FIGHT</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">"For the flesh desires what is contrary to
the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict
with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. " Galatians
5:17<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">I read a horrifying article of a man who raised
dogs to fight. Over time his dog fighting events gained popularity and gamblers
were coming in from all over to place their bets on what dog would win. Even
the mastermind behind the horrifying scheme had managed to make a pretty penny
on fixing the matches so he always won. But how do you fix a dog fight? You
can't tell one dog to not defend itself and when they grow up vicious there
really is little obedience training involved, so how did he manage to
"fix" the fights? A few days before the fight was scheduled he would
simply not feed the dog. The dog would be too weak to fight and consequently
lose in battle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">This is how it is in your spiritual walk. Paul
describes how there is a constant battle between the spirit and flesh. Have you
ever wanted something so much but you knew it wasn't yours to have? Did you
ever want something that was unhealthy? Did you ever want something that is
morally wrong? These are examples of the war that wages within us all. We can
all acknowledge the rights and wrongs of the situation and declare with
confidence that "its wrong" and you will never do that. But even Paul
warned those that claimed would not fall, "So, if you think you are
standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" 1 Cor. 10:12 The reality
is we all fall short of even our own expectations. They are humbling
experiences nonetheless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"> <b>So what is one to do?</b> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">Take the strategic move
above to increase your chances of success. Don't feed the flesh. How does one
do this? Feed the Spirit: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">1. <b>First step</b> is to remove your self from the
situation, take a step back. You need time with God who can give you guidance
in this fight. Think of it like going to your corner to your coach for outside
perspective on how to win.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">2. <b>Pray- </b>Even when you don't know the words, trust
that the Spirit intercedes for you. Romans 8:26. What would you say if God
stood before you- tell Him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">3. <b>Fast- </b>Abel's sacrifice was an act of hard work,
he didn't pluck from the ground and call it a day, he chose the best which took
time and slaughtered, which took action, he then put it on the offering table.
Show God your serious and your ready to slain the best of yourself to get
closer to Him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">4. <b>Worship</b>- Believe it or not you worship all day.
You worship your favorite artist, authors, athletes, and teams. You were built
to worship and you don't even know it. But worship properly directed is a
recharge of our batteries, flooding joy and peace during difficult times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;">I can't say it better than how Paul said it,
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the
glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. There are many that would
love to see you fail, but God wants you to succeed and you can fix the fight to
make sure of it! To God be all the Glory! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><b><u>In 2019 fix the fight.</u></b><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0Bridgeport, CT, USA41.1792258 -73.18943839999997241.083624799999996 -73.35079989999997 41.2748268 -73.028076899999974tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-46270846497761566112018-11-27T08:14:00.000-08:002018-11-28T12:46:18.662-08:00To the Single me looking for joy during lonely Holidays<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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With the Holiday's upon us I was looking at my journal entries during the holiday seasons of my single life. I remember how I felt in the moment I wrote it. I was the girl watching my girlfriends get engaged, get married, buying their first home together with the man of their dreams, post pictures kissing the love of their life and I was stagnant. In the moment it all made me feel like I did so much wrong, I wasn't worthy of such happiness. As I read the pages I can't help but reflect on the pain I felt that I would be alone forever. On most day's I was content with the single life, but during the holidays.... I was a hot mess and didn't hide it well.<br />
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When I looked at the date stamp of my journal entry, it was the year where my kids all had found a love interest. So now all this romance and laughter of being in love infiltrated my "single fortress of solitude."<br />
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Single mom's are known to be super hero's in their kids eyes, but in this journal entry of my life I read how ugly I was in my jealousy of their joy and questioning when will it be my turn, and how "I messed up and I'm sorry". Yeah it was ugly and I wish I could talk to that girl right now, give her advice and warn her. So this is my way of going back in time to talk to me.<br />
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<b>Dear Art of Me, </b><br />
There are ten points I really need to drive home with you.<br />
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li>When you see someone in love, be happy for them as one day it will be your turn and you will remember those who made life difficult because you moved into your happiness. Don't be that girl. And apologize to those you did hurt during your bitter seasons. </li>
<li>Don't settle for the next man that show's interest because your lonely. You do deserve the real deal, wait for it.</li>
<li>When people wonder why you're so pretty and intelligent but single, say your overqualified They will laugh and you will validate how good you are as a single woman. </li>
<li>Being Single is a gift and it's GREAT. Stay that way until someone comes along that compliments your life in a way worthy of changing that. </li>
<li>While single, focus on healing from your past hurts so you don't carry them into your marriage. </li>
<li>Trust God in this process, you have no idea how much it will mold you, to who you will become. </li>
<li>Take your thoughts captive, you are your worst critic. God isn't punishing you because of your past mistakes, nor has He forgotten you. Learn to be content in all your seasons. Especially the holidays. </li>
<li>Comparison is the thief of joy. Your single, own it, love it, and lets face it you made it look awesome. So enjoy it while it last. </li>
<li>Learn that marriage isn't the end all. Idolizing marriage is a sin. God's will is the goal. </li>
<li>One day you will get married and your husband will not make you happy. He will compliment you and be your best friend through it all. Marriage doesn't change who you are, so if you don't like the single you, you won't like the married you. So take the time to learn who God created you to be, because that's where you will find true joy. </li>
</ol>
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That real joy you are looking for that you thought only married life could bring you, will only come when you learn and follow the path God has for you. Marriage won't answer your problems nor take them away. Marriage is two un-perfect people traveling with baggage together. But when you wait on God's best, whether He gives it to you single or married, is an unreal joy that doesn't die in the face of adversity. That's the goal. Stay focused. </div>
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Your single, not cursed. Your single, not unloved. Your single and that my dear comes with so much freedom. Run in your freedom. This Christmas unwrap the gift singleness. Its an amazing gift. </div>
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0Bridgeport, CT, USA41.1792258 -73.18943839999997241.083624799999996 -73.35079989999997 41.2748268 -73.028076899999974tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-49480512902653955142018-10-31T13:12:00.001-07:002018-10-31T13:12:14.705-07:00The art of rejection<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Ever been rejected? Its not a good feeling at all. Especially if your really into someone. But what if you're not that into them.<br />
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I was at the gym and I ran into a friend from high school. He definitely looked better than he did in High school. Back in the day, he was on the fluffy side with a bad attitude that definitely took away from what could've been boyish charm.<br />
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So here we are, adults, face to face at the gym. He is no longer the cranky chubster I remember, he is tall, stocky and handsome. Needless to say Greg's smile could stop a dental marketing rep in their tracks. He looked like he belonged on Colgate Ad and he knew it, so he smiled big. You couldn't help but smile back when he smiled at you. You could have this horrendous day and find yourself depressed but if you run into Greg you would smile and question yourself after, why were you smiling so much. His smile was contagious.<br />
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He followed me to the elliptical machine where I proceeded to my work out and tried to chit chat his way into my life. I simply leaned over and said, "Greg, I'm here to work out, can we talk later". In hopes he would forget, as this particular day I was at the gym was to release some stress and he was blocking me from my mental health. He did walk away and I jumped right into torturing my body. Every once in a while I would look up to see if he left, so I can transition to another machine, but he was there, waiting for the opportune moment. After an hour of high intense working out on the Elliptical and my legs shaking from within cause I couldn't take it anymore, I stepped off the machine and, low and behold, there he was. Maybe the timing was off, the gym was my safe haven I did not want to be hit on at the gym.<br />
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Greg, "Long time, you look great. You know I used to have a crush on you in high school"<br />
Me "Really"<br />
Greg, "Yup and you would make a young school boy really happy if you let me take you out?"<br />
Me "My schedule is really busy Greg"<br />
Greg, interrupting, "I know your single, I know you have kids, but let me take you out. Anywhere, you pick the place"<br />
Me, while giggling, "I am late to church, I have to go".<br />
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Most men get derailed by that statement and run the other direction. But not Greg, he asked, "Can I come".<br />
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I had no idea the crush was so deeply rooted. I said no and made my way out the door. I really did have to go to church that night but I had time.<br />
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Once at church one of our fellow members approached me with, "Sister, we have a mutual friend" with a big grin on his face. I should've pieced together the smile but I didn't. Apparently Greg's dad went to the same church I did. But I didn't expect for Greg to show up. This was my safe haven, and forget about it! (in my Italian Wanna be voice). Once the elderly found out he was interested they were all over me with, "stop being picky, he's a charmer" "Your no spring chicken, settle down, he's a keeper" and then he introduced himself to my children and he had a way of charming my daughter.<br />
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But honestly I wasn't into him. I have no idea why, I just couldn't see him other than a friend. This went on for a year, him chasing, me saying no, then one day I said, "Maybe I am the problem, I can't see a good thing in front of my face. He has been trying for a year, say yes". So I did, and it was a bit frustrating, he wanted romance I just wanted to talk. I spent our time together pushing his hand off my shoulder rejecting to hold hands and I told him I didn't want to force it, to give it time. Then one day he told me that he was going away on a business trip. Two weeks passed and all I did was beat myself up for not liking him more than a friend. Then he came home.<br />
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The day he came home we went to church and he stopped me to say he was getting baptized. Here I thought he was coming to church to chase me but God really did romance the man back to HIM not me. Let me explain. In the same breath that he told me about his baptism he told me that he met someone and asked her to come to his baptism. REJECTION. I got dumped, again at church.<br />
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What infuriated me the most was that I didn't even like him enough to be so mad about it. Why was I so angry? Going to his baptism hurt like you would not believe. Right before he was dunked he was looking at her the way he used to look at me. I mean, yeah I wasn't into him, but I was investing in him in hopes that I would. Investment plummeted that season.<br />
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I'm currently reading this book by Lysa TerKeurst called "Uninvited" and it hit me like a ton of bricks, and because I don't want to be alone in the weight of holding all these bricks I share it with you.<br />
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<i>"Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what was said about me" </i>In my case what I said about myself. But lets continue with this earth shattering truth.<i> "It's not just a feeling we feel, it sends a message to the core of us. Causing us to believe the lies. That lie becomes a label and that label becomes a liability in how we interact with others, with relationships. Then we feel "unaccepted", another label, another lie. Then we hold people accountable for things they never said" </i><br />
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Wow, Lysa put it in a way that I said, "Yes she gets it". (GO BUY THE BOOK)<br />
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The rejection I got from Greg in that moment validated what I was saying about myself. Then I was just angry all the time, and no one wanted to be around me. (Looking back can't say that I blame them) Greg stepped in the places of my home church with his new found love and was accepted and I was uncomfortable and angry.<br />
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How did I manage? Things are always easier said then done, but there was alot of biting my tongue, prayer, forgiving myself and him and time enduring. Romans 5:3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance;" At the time can't say I took glory in it, but looking back I learned how to deal with rejection better. There is always that one time in your life where your eyes are just open to seeing the lesson. I'm grateful for the lessons, that's where I say "GLORY". </div>
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Take a moment and feel the crazy I felt in my head, I didn't want him, but I wanted him to want me, even if he was unhappy, even if I was unhappy. Yeah, that's off. <b>And I knew it,</b> so I did my thing feeling wounded inside. But I learned a great deal about rejection and myself. Being self aware of the reality of the emotions is key. So when he popped into my head or the thought of rejection, I did something to take my mind and focus off the situation. I placed my mind on the things that made me happy. I fought with my thinking. I had to disconnect too, so I didn't leave the church but I did avoid the times I knew he was there. Why subject myself to that torture. I needed to get my head right.<br />
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Rejection was an area I needed to learn how to manage. Not everyone will like me and that should be OK, and I should feel OK. All that and I wasn't into him, can you imagine if I was. What if I was in love an he had done that. Oh the scandal. Maybe that's why women sabotage relationships, to not feel the pain of being rejected. But that is another blog post. Oh yeah that's coming too.<br />
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-15656501392253458852018-10-17T08:50:00.000-07:002018-10-18T07:47:10.205-07:00The other woman needs healing too<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Your only as sick as your secrets and I have one sick secret. </b>Its easy to share the testimonies of the past where you are the victim, but what if you're not the victim? What if you were the one who brought forth the hurt? What if your the one that caused all the chaos and scandal in your home? Is there room for those stories in the church? Or do we all sit and focus on the victims and band together as victims.<br />
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I always turn to Romans 8 in moments where I am brought to a place where I have to revisit this place. I thought this past weekend I was going to share my testimony about my childhood trauma and how it messed me up but then I heard a story of a scandal in a church and I paused, I listened, and I was scared to share. Let me explain.<br />
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We all sat on the couch sharing pieces of our soul. Just a girls getaway and we bonded. Then one girl spoke of how in the area a church divided due to an affair the Pastor was having. Everyone spoke of all the parties involved that were victimized in the scandal. The congregation was hurt, the families were hurt and the children were hurt. They all needed healing. But no one spoke of the woman who was caught up in the affair with the Pastor.<br />
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Think about it for a moment. Do you really think she deliberately sought out the Pastor? 95% of the times these woman are broken, looking for healing and when approached by a man, a godly man at that, mentoring and shepherding his sheep she fell weak. Then he fell for her too. I don't know how long it went on but he confessed, came clean, put her business on blast, then returned to his wife and everyone is angry with her.<br />
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Now if that happened to a man without the platform of the pulpit how shameful would it really be? It would've been handled privately not publicly. The other woman would have been able to continue living her life without the scarlet letter on her chest with a spot light on it. Yes many would be hurt, but when your a Christian your held to another standard so the persecution and condemnation can be straight up fatal. Did anyone stop and think, she needs restoration too?<br />
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I never fell for a Head Pastor of a church, but I fell for a married man in the church. I hate knowing that truth about myself. He was just showing up, helping all the time being a friend and I justified it with that he was unhappy. Yeah that's not how I wanted to find love, but my heart was beyond consoling, it was out of control. In the moments it was a love story, in hindsight its a nightmare. At the time no one wanted me. I was young, single, judged heavily and with two kids. I was reminded often of my nature as a statistic, as if it gave me an identity that I wasn't worth being valued or protected. Then here comes this man "wanting me, valuing me, protecting me". I was broken and I needed love so badly I stole it. It didn't last long, he went back to his wife. It all blew up in my face and everyone focused on restoring their marriage and I was the harlot homewrecker.<br />
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<b><u>What saved me? </u></b><br />
One person shared her story with me, then she said, "I'm sorry about how people responded. This isn't fair. But you messed up, take responsibility, lets take a look at the root issues and address them as you don't practice boundaries that protect you. Why is that? and what are we going to do moving forward?" Suddenly I had a future again. One person with one run on sentence gave me a future.<br />
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Everyone shunned me but not this woman. God poured through her and she helped me. I found healing and restoration. Was it easy? Heck NO! It was the hardest part of my life, I hated me for what I allowed, so I get why others were mad at me. I joined them in hating me. But even in the midst of being the one in the wrong, God wanted me. I felt like the adulterous woman caught and brought to the feet of Jesus. I wanted Jesus to judge me and punish me, instead He shed this undeserving grace and said, "sin no more".<br />
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I knew that God would give me a platform to share this story, but its not a good story to share. I normally take the one on one moments. When I hear of scandal, I am the one who reaches out to the other woman. I am not going to let Satan take my sisters, I won't. No one is beyond the reach of God, no one. He came for me, healed me, restored me and gave me a new identity that is validated by Him not the world. So I know some of you reading all have something to say but that's not me anymore.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><i><span style="color: purple;"><a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/quicksearch/?quicksearch=principalities&qs_version=NIV">For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12</a></span></i></span><br />
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The bible says we are up against principalities- evil, we are all pawn to this sick twisted game Satan is playing. Do you think when Jesus turned to <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/quicksearch/?quicksearch=get+behind+me+satan&qs_version=NIV">Peter</a> and said, "Get behind me Satan" Peter took it personal, as if he was Satan himself? Or did he understand that Jesus saw what Peter didn't?<br />
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I am sure in the moments where I was called a name, that there was a principality present receiving it with a smile. They had their season. What that principality did not expect was my <b><u>come back</u></b>. And that makes GOD SMILES! I am not the other woman, I am a child that Christ himself died for, he found me valuable enough to protect even in my ugly seasons. In Him I found what my heart was missing. I found my identity.<br />
That's all that matters to me.<br />
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<b><u>Why do I share?</u></b> In hopes you will share this with whom you call the other woman. I want to talk to her, I want to show her the grace and love Christ showed me.<br />
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I do want to address those who want to hit me while I share this because your hurt because your dealing with the other woman. I'm sorry, you are owed an apology. And if you never get it from her because she's hiding, I am saying it, I'm sorry. My life had seasons, in one point I was with you and the other I was with her. The importance of all of it is, now that it happened, what are we going to do with it? How you react. Humanity is fallible.<br />
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<b>Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"</b><span style="color: blue;"> </span>The scripture reminds us that we have a choice in how we respond. Take a deep breath of the Holy Spirit and answer gently to all parties involved. Our gentleness may be the only expression of love that another person experiences today.<br />
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-6405029872834489022018-10-08T09:22:00.003-07:002018-10-31T13:58:45.703-07:00Don't rush, or you will pay<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b> I was 15 years </b>old when I met my children's father, a freshman in high school. My home situation- lets just say I was in a dark place. My dad was a heavy alcoholic at the time and my mom did a lot of crying, and the abuse was real. So when I met my children's father I thought he was my prince charming but he was also my ticket out of a nightmare. That's the best way to describe it, a <b>nightmare. </b>This weekend I will share my testimony with a few friends and I will be completely transparent with them. One day the world but out of respect for my family and how it hurts them, we are not ready yet. Thankfully God is a "Just in time" God. That is the title of my autobiography as my dad made a huge turnaround in his life, and I would like to honor his memory one day with this book. Till then stay tuned. </div>
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This past weekend I was on my way to a wedding and it was a long drive, so I played my audible book on my way. I was listening to,<b> "Letters to the church" by Francis Chan.</b> There was a chapter on Sacredness. He talked about these scriptures in the bible, and how they frustrated him. ME TOO! And it all brought me back to my ex husband. Let me explain a little:<br />
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<i> First, Moses was frustrated with the people of Israel. They kept harassing him and he got frustrated and struck the rock and water flowed. God was so upset Moses didn't get to see the promise land. Seriously, who hasn't lost their cool with people. Pastors with their flock. Moms with their children. Managers with their staff. I thought that was a little harsh. Then there was Uzzah who was transporting the ark under Davids order and the ark hit a pot hole and he put his hands on the ark to keep it from falling. Uzzah died once he touched the ark. Seriously? He had good intentions. Was that necessary. Then there was Saul who was going to war, he waited days for Samuel to make a sacrifice to God. He lost his patience and did it himself. God was so upset with Saul he stripped him of the kingdom. Seriously, who hasn't lost patience in the wait? Then Ananias and his wife in the New Testament, they lied about what they gave in the offering. Listen, I work in the office at church and I hear people say all the time that they tithe and I wonder if they even know what tithe means cause I know they don't tithe. But like Francis said in his book, "who doesn't exaggerate" </i><br />
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These are scriptures I struggled with too then he said, <span style="color: blue;"><b>"When you rush into something sacred you pay the price".</b></span> And it flooded me, the memory:<br />
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<b><u>My wedding day</u></b></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;"> I was so young and so desperate to make things right for my family that I begged for a marriage. I will never forget the day when we jumped in the car went to a justice of the peace and got married. The house smelled of moth balls, the furniture was wrapped in plastic, the decor out of the Brady bunch era. The only witness we had was the wife of the man who married us. It was the only thing that seemed right to do at the time. I wanted to stop feeling guilty about having a family and not being married. As soon as we signed our certificate we got in the car to tell my parents. I thought they would be happy that I was making right. Instead they cried and my dad said, "I had hoped to one day walk you down the isle". We couldn't afford a wedding and I wanted to make it right now not when I could afford it. </span></div>
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Marriage is a sacred union that <b>I did not go to God</b> with to consult . I demanded the blessing from him. Needless to say I paid the price. I was abused in his drunken moments, my kids cried often when mommy and daddy fought. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore. I realized I had moved from one nightmare to another and was subjecting my kids to it. But I knew God hated divorce, so I stayed longer than I should have. Then one day at church they talked about how young girls were marrying their fathers. Then it hit me- I can't do this to my children. I divorced still loving him. But I had to protect my family. It had gotten that bad.<br />
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Depression hit us all. They say that divorce is second to death in trauma. They are right! I felt like everything died. I died so I didn't know who I was. My kids were dealing with death as they had fears of being abandoned. I screwed up. I screwed up bad. I rushed into something sacred and paid the price.<b> DEATH, </b>just not physical death.<br />
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It took years to find myself again, and I always feel guilty about how much my children suffered. Ten years and ten days to the date of my divorce I remarried. I was hesitant but God kept pointing Clark out. I will tell that story another day. But by the time I got it right, meaning I was entering something sacred seeking God's guidance and approval, my dad had passed away. He didn't get to see me, he didn't get to walk me down the isle and he didn't get to dance with me. "I'm so sorry Papi" (taking a moment)<br />
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God does make good on the messes we create. He will use everything, even the stuff you are ashamed of or prefer to hide, to help others. For His Glory.<br />
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<b>Don't rush into what is sacred</b>. It belongs to God, don't steal it from HIM. When you do you pay a price and I often feel maybe God feels like my dad did when I stole his moment to walk me down the isle. I just envision God wanting to walk you down the isle to something. Maybe a new job, maybe a relationship, maybe a marriage, maybe the promise land whatever it is, <b>don't rob Him of that. </b><br />
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-80764343984423204432018-09-20T09:58:00.002-07:002018-09-20T09:58:36.936-07:00Just listen <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Just last night I was talking to a good friend who said something very profound. "I was always chasing relationships, chasing love, I was tired. Then I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Chase me and you will be chased".<br />
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I wish I had the friends I have today back then. Resurrecting this blog of stories has shown me so much. How God molded me, how God saved me. God was in everything, but it wasn't till I got serious about chasing God that everything fell into place.<br />
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Here is yet another story that you need to read.<br />
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Again being the single person in the church everyone wants to play match maker. But this one was an odd one. My friend Gladys was playing cupid with her ex husband. She was divorced and had already remarried and had children with her new husband but had a friendship with her ex. I didn't think to ask why the divorce if they got along so well. Gladys and I went to the gym together like gym rats and we always talked and we both went to the same church together. We were friends and I thought if there was anything concerning, she would tell me.<br />
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<b><u>The Introduction</u></b><br />
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We met at a restaurant, he was definitely older but charming. He stood up greeted me and we sat down for dinner. We joked, we laughed, and before I knew it we spent four hours in the restaurant talking. He had his own business, great work ethic. Adored his kids and provided. We even spoke of Gladys and he said nothing but kind things about her and how they both just screwed it up, but he was happy she found love and he moved on a long time ago. They were successfully co-parenting, which is unheard of in this day and age.<br />
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So then it hit me, Gladys is co-parenting, it makes perfect sense that she would play matchmaker. She has a good thing and wants to make sure that it remains a good thing. I was impressed. So then I asked the question, "what church do you go to?" he responded with, "I'm catholic, but can't say that I am practicing. Gladys told me you were a believer, and I believe I just don't... go as much as you do?"<br />
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There was hesitation on the last part of that sentence. But nonetheless he was funny, so the dating continued.<br />
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One day in his car I noticed a charm, it looked like a tool. It was hanging from his rear view mirror and oddly it bothered me every time I looked at it. So I asked, "what is that?", he said, "A good luck charm, why does it bother you" and I said, "yeah it does, I don't know why either" and we laughed it off. Then the nightmares started. Literally, nothing bad happened between Stephen and I, I was nightmares. Like sit up and scream nightmares. One time I saw Stephen chanting around a fire late at night and when I went to approach him a man with white make up and tribal wear jumped in front of me to stop me in my tracks. The nightmares would not stop.<br />
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Two months in and Stephen and I saw each other every day, but I was starting to feel like a crazy nut with all the lack of sleep. Something wasn't right. So I asked again, "Do you really believe in God". Stephen paused and asked me why I would ask him, so I told him about the dreams and he laughed and said, "They are dreams, maybe you have trust issues do to your past so your mind is self sabotaging a good thing. This is a good thing, I really like you and I don't want this to end"<br />
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I was so tired, I thought maybe he's right. But I needed God to tell me and my emotions were all over the place.<br />
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<b><u>What went wrong</u></b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5A0NQ9Xwj7TbNifzuRXdHZ7sLLTKEAy510duDLWR4MOgXGtdfrqzxsmIaA6Dvxx6wtAyQIygtFopE1mEzVhwIRY9F4B3puo839yB4hQfMLU9Nj06fDvpDjaZZYGivsmOEEiqyT1CJbxM/s1600/001" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5A0NQ9Xwj7TbNifzuRXdHZ7sLLTKEAy510duDLWR4MOgXGtdfrqzxsmIaA6Dvxx6wtAyQIygtFopE1mEzVhwIRY9F4B3puo839yB4hQfMLU9Nj06fDvpDjaZZYGivsmOEEiqyT1CJbxM/s320/001" width="180" /></a>Day one of my fasting I waited for God to say something, and nothing. Day two, "God tell me who he is, if he is not the one, I will end it right now" and nothing. Day three I was downright starving. I was at work and there was this incredibly delicious looking orange on my desk. I was so hungry, I was going to give up right then and there and eat it. But I stopped myself, looked up at the ceiling of my office like if God was hovering over my head and said, "I'm turning in the fast. I am going to open my bible and I need you to speak to me. Then I am eating this orange". Talk about putting the pressure on God. So I played bible lottery, its when you flip through pages and wait for hit to open to where you think God is going to talk to you. So I shuffled the pages and let it fall open on my desk to <i><span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Matthew 23:27 " <span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean"</span></span></i></div>
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I had no idea what that meant so I emailed my friend Sonia who is a Yale divinity grad. I honestly wish I could put a USB in her head and download all that info. Before she could respond I picked up the orange and smelled it. It was so ripe and I could smell the orange juice so I started to peel the orange. While peeling I read, "back then the tombstones they used were beautiful, "whitewashed" but if you open it you only found death" Now that should've been clear in just reading it but like I said, I was sleep deprived and starving. Three days on just water. My orange was fully peeled so I dug my thumb into it and it burst open and a small burst of dust filled the air and the orange in my hands was black and the insides pulled apart like cobwebs. It scared me so much I jumped up and ran out the office. I couldn't leave as my purse and car keys were with the dead orange. Then it hit me like fire over my head. He's not catholic, he's something else. </div>
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I picked up my cell phone and dialed his number. He could hear the panic in my voice and said could explain everything. "Explain? How the heck do you even know, what I am calling about?"</div>
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Well it turns out he was a Santero, he practiced Santeria. Its a form of witchcraft practiced heavily on the islands. They say they are catholic because when the Christian crusades happened centuries ago they were told to either convert or die. So they converted and disguised their practices and gods under certain Saints. He had spirits that would do what he requested. When we sat down to talk he tried to make it colorful. How they helped him make good business decisions. How he is where he is today because they guided him and he owed them so much. And then he ended with, "They don't like you, I asked them to leave you alone, but they don't like you". </div>
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Me:"the good luck charms?" Stephen "those are tools used for calling the spirits"<br />
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I wasn't crazy after all. But I did lose it with Stephen, I told him who I was and who I believed in and how God was telling me that all of this, All of it, was going to destroy him if he didn't walk away from it. "I can't be with someone like you"<br />
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6 Months later<br />
Stephen called and sent text but all of it was ignored. We were no longer even friends. Stephen gave his life to Christ after. He went to a church where the pastor knew of Santeria and its roots. Apparently Santero's have altars in their houses and that Pastor helped him take it down and rid of it. My interest in Stephen turned into disgust and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. As for Gladys and I, we were no longer friends either. She said she was praying for her ex to convert and that she knew with me it would happen. And in hindsight that is flattering, but at the moment she put me in a dangerous situation and I couldn't trust her as a friend.<br />
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I learned so much about Santeria aka Yaruba in its original name. It has surfaced again from time to time. I'm glad Stephen found Christ.<br />
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Every trial I went through God has molded me into his likeness, and it hurt. It did validate me though. I wondered if all my mistakes that God knew me and heard me but I wasn't a like a favorite or really a treasure, just part of the mix. But in that moment, through that situation I felt like my dad stepped in to protect me and it made me feel valued and cherished. From the beginning from the charms, to the nightmares, he was talking. I just didn't trust that it was Him. So this was a turning point, how do I fine tune my ears and eyes to see when its God speaking? Just listen....That's another blog post.<br />
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-37315675004418208062018-09-12T07:47:00.001-07:002018-09-12T07:47:10.834-07:00Don't discount yourself<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggDNatv9Igt4HuEmHTw69bXXXO0vscJXx3Tpx7qU_VhGDy5eNqnbWmeac1cuegMLn4kDaYhWeIVvI2ce24MD7-QdYtoh4cTAeFCSgBwzgNETtkW5_A5iw9LqKTsyYftCNP1ZOLEkWm9B4/s1600/001" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggDNatv9Igt4HuEmHTw69bXXXO0vscJXx3Tpx7qU_VhGDy5eNqnbWmeac1cuegMLn4kDaYhWeIVvI2ce24MD7-QdYtoh4cTAeFCSgBwzgNETtkW5_A5iw9LqKTsyYftCNP1ZOLEkWm9B4/s200/001" width="200" /></a>You might think its funny but there is a lot of truth to this statement. I went to a birthday party and they had a bounce house. The bounce house was full of kids just jumping and having a great time, including all my nephew's and nieces. It was a perfect day for the adults to just chill while the kids were very distracted by this bounce house. Trust me when your a parent, this is a<b> big deal.</b> My kids are teenagers at this point but they know no age limit when it comes to acting like a fool in the bounce house.</div>
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So I got in line to get my food with the rest of the child free adults and then my son popped out of nowhere, "Mom, can you serve me food" Now I love my children, but they rarely eat at birthday parties when there is so much fun going on. So I needed to know what happened. Something disturbed the force, and apparently my Jedi insights were off because I didn't see it coming. But I was ready to fight for "parent peace", so I made my way to the bounce house.<br />
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On the journey I saw parents walking their children away from the bounce house like they discovered something of concern. So as I got closer I saw something through the netting in the shadows, I paused and told my son, "Stay right here, I don't know what that is". I thought it was a bear in the bounce house, but I had to be sure, then I heard a noise that sounded like grunting and thought to myself, "Oh my God an animal got in there" then the remaining kids in the bounce house came out screaming as my reaction caused them to freak out.<br />
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Now I am not that brave, but when something threatens children Rambo has nothing on me. I ran to the bounce house as my niece was pressed up against netting in fear so I had to get in and get her out. It so difficult to walk in a bounce house so I just threw myself in head first, grabbed her leg and pulled her to the entrance and out the bounce house then looked to see what type of animal was in the bounce house and there it was. It was so gross, scary, traumatizing and scarred me for life. A couple dressed in goth with black eyeliner running down their cheeks and black nail polish and both in black trench coats in a full make out session. I quickly withdrew and turned the machine off that inflated the bounce house. When they saw it deflate so did their crazed hormones as they panicked and made their way out of the bounce house screaming profanity at me that <i>I could've killed them</i>. Are you serious? I was going to have nightmares for weeks after seeing that. It was like watching two polar bears in Halloween costumes fight viciously on who was going to swallow who's tongue. Nor was it the time nor the place.<br />
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Everyone was a bit queasy on going back into the bounce house after that so we all sat down to stare at our food at the picnic tables. My mom cracked the first joke, "Well baby if he can find someone so can you". I responded with, "Oh thank God there's hope for me still" and we all laughed. But I did go home that night wondering if there was someone for me. It had been months since anyone looked my way. My friend Sherwin from college, who I had a crush on said, "Your like Mount Rushmore" and I gave him the look of insult and he quickly followed with, "Your the girl every man wants to conquer" and my heart was just about to melt when he said, " but they all try and fall to their death. But don't worry someone will get to the top let him work for it".<br />
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Sherwin is Persian, tall, big brown deep drowning eyes, intelligent and funny but not at all interested in me. I wasn't Kosher enough for his family. His dad said, "I don't care how pretty she is, you can't put a Kosher sticker on pork, its just not right". Sherwin thought the world of me, but he wasn't interested in dating me. But I was the girl that he came to for counsel or simply just to hang out and laugh. Although Sherwin never stepped foot into the temple or practiced Jewish customs,he did honor his family. I had fun teasing Sherwin, I would wear t-shirts that said, "Hotter than your girlfriend" and he would say, "I am sure you're making every man in the class room wish they were single" He was good for my ego so I latched on to his friendship. He made me feel good about myself. I had no one to tell me I was pretty, or seek me out affectionately, or desire me and I wanted that desperately.<br />
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I left class that evening on a high from the attention I got from my t-shirt. But every guy in my class was either in a committed relationship or married. Then this happened, "I was lonely for so long I put myself on discount". My morals went to the wayside, I needed to be loved. So that night I went to church (after I changed my shirt) and noticed a married man staring at me. I looked up and grinned back at him. Yeah stuff like that happens everywhere. He wrote me an email that night and I woke up the following morning to it.<br />
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<i>"I just have to get this off my chest. I have watched you for months and I am so impressed with how you handle life. It can't be easy for you doing it all alone. My children are my pride and joy and I would never abandon them. Anyway I just wanted to say I'm impressed. Beauty and brains, it rare...</i>" </blockquote>
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The letter went on and on showing his intellect.. ooops did I say that. I should have said, The letter went on and on showing his lack of respect for his wife sending me a message and complimenting me. I am not a vulnerable girl seeking attention. But oh I was. So the emails went back and forth for weeks. Then....<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_8WOLFHIuc8BeJWoWErdX9bP2yP4DAqJi_bxLR-LB8vEbOoPsVCRBILtsAMXdalnSADmE0W9oP_wmblhIllY-ssOANTrzRfcQW6lxRypVsmPl9-gdjO0rnYE_r4ZbCsVUIAABKEjwph0/s1600/001" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="900" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_8WOLFHIuc8BeJWoWErdX9bP2yP4DAqJi_bxLR-LB8vEbOoPsVCRBILtsAMXdalnSADmE0W9oP_wmblhIllY-ssOANTrzRfcQW6lxRypVsmPl9-gdjO0rnYE_r4ZbCsVUIAABKEjwph0/s200/001" width="112" /></a>His wife saw the emails. It was even brought to the attention of my Pastor who pulled us all into a room to discuss and get this issue resolved. I was humiliated and my heart was completely broken. I was called everything, the home wrecker, a fraud, an unbeliever, a weak single mother who would take any form of attention. There was a women in the room crying and when she gained enough courage she said, <i>"I admired you and you do this in the church? You do this to another member of the church and hurt their family, you hurt me, I don't know how I will recover from this" . </i>And none of this from the wife, just the people involved in humiliating discovery of the emails. </div>
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It was then I learned one of the most valuable truths ever, your sin hurts more than just you. She left the church. All I could think of was, "All this over emails". Really that's all it was, emails with emotions. But that's an affair too. You have to call it what it is. Short lived affair and the discovery of the emails was God rescuing me from worst to come.<br />
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The women in the room with us that lashed out how they felt about me, left the church. My sin affected more than just me. Also, my Pastor did so much to try to fix it without hurting anyone. But the focus was all on me. No one yelled at the husband who sent me these love letters, no one told him he was wrong in writing the emails. No one said he took advantage of someone vulnerable. No one, it was all my fault cause I am the woman. It was so unfair but that's the reality for women. Its socially acceptable for a man to "slip" have a moment of "weakness". Its not acceptable for a woman, she is a home wrecker a whore and deserves punishment and banishment. I didn't leave the church although everything in me wanted to. Oddly in my pain of rock bottom it was the closest I had ever felt to God at that time. My heart was contrite and I needed help. This particular season in my life as painful as it was, brought me to new strengths.<br />
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My dad had this saying for his daughters that I hated, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". I discounted myself extremely. When you go shopping and pay top dollar for something it irritates you when people treat it with disrespect like it has no value. But when your at a tag sale and you get something for a dollar if it stains, or tears, then it's OK you got it for a dollar. I valued myself at a dollar.<br />
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<b>The guy, </b>his wife forgave him and he never looked my way again. They are doing well today. But they left the church too. It was too painful for them to be in the same room.<br />
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<b>Me, </b>it was a long journey to get past my reputation of home wrecker. The biggest gesture I received was the wife, she called me to meet. We sat at the park in tears and she apologized for her husband. She said she knew what I was going through and her husband took advantage of my vulnerability. She said that he was wrong too. Then she prayed for me and said this, "if you think you've blown God's plans for your life, let me be the one to tell you; you are not that powerful"<br />
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The following week I started therapy under the council of the church and the woman who was counseling me matched me with other women who I had on a pedestal in my mind as godly women who would not understand. Then they told me their past and the long path to recovery.<br />
There is so much power in "me too" and women building each other up.<br />
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You can't find that in the world. You need God to give you the strength to forgive. You need God to guide you and match you with friendships that will build you up. You need God to give you the strength to share ugly truths about yourself in just the right time to help another sister out. Hopefully this helps a sister out, I get it. You will recover.<br />
Only God could pull me through, and He did. So I will end this with the words of the wife who obviously was filled with the Holy Spirit in confronting the women her husband lusted for.<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<b><u><i>"if you think you've blown God's plans for your life, let me be the one to tell you. You are not that powerful" </i></u></b></blockquote>
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Don't discount yourself.<br />
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-64290120543807339582018-09-06T09:56:00.003-07:002018-09-07T05:51:16.368-07:00You can’t start something on a lie and expect it to walk on truth<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I normally post only once a week, but this came up in my time feed and I felt God pull at my heart to share. </div>
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“Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose
instead of serving shame.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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I love that saying; I really hope my shame serves a purpose.
Because this post, will be shameful.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><u>I didn’t tell you how my first marriage ended. </u></b></div>
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I didn’t speak
on it at all. And out of respect for my grown adult children I will be scarce
in the information that I share because it is their father. I will in no way
disrespect or disgrace him. We married way too young. I met him in a difficult
moment in my life and he poured love into me, so much so that in my young naïve mind
I had to keep it, and do all that I could to keep it. We were teenagers, I
was only 15 years old when I got pregnant with our first child. The pressure he received
being so young and having to provide for a family pushed him into a corner of
fear. He like many others turned to the drink to comfort himself from reality.
It was too much for him, and I do forgive him for all the things he did. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<u>But this isn’t about him, it’s about me</u> and how I screwed
things up for my family. I was eighteen years old for just a day when I gave
birth to my son. Things were a mess and we were not surrounded by good friends
(yup I said it) we were not. My girlfriend’s council was “dump his a….” and his
friends said, “She tried to tie you up with a baby dude, she ruined your life,
there is better out there for you”. There was resentment all over the place. So
many horrible things happened and I was angry, all the time I was angry. His
marriage proposal was under pressure. “we have kids and I have no solid
commitment from you, I know you're not going to be there for me or your children”.
So one day he picked me up from work on our way to get the kids and said, “Lets
do it, lets get married and make things right”. Key word, <b>“lets make things
right”</b>. We forced things that were not meant to be and we were stuck and asking
God to bless it. We wanted God to sign off on our mistakes. To take this wrong and make it right and the best way was a marriage licence. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t even remember our anniversary date, but I do
remember the date of our divorce August 13, 2004. Here is where I introduce to you, Juan. He
was tall, nerdy and sweet. And I knew when he started to catch feelings for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t put him in his place either.
I deserved happiness; I was miserable and I already filed for the divorce. <b>But I
wasn’t divorced yet</b>. They say divorce is the second most traumatizing thing to
experience second to death. I was coping fine because I had someone waiting for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I hid it as much as I could and odd
thing is that when my family found out they were excited, they felt like, “This
is it! The drama ends finally she is leaving him”. Yeah there was that much
drama, sadly. It was so bad my family celebrated an affair. Lets <u>call it what it
was </u>because we were not divorced yet. The paperwork was in, but it was not final.
I was cheating. I was the cheater. I just teared up writing that. But you have
to take accountability and I knew better and I know better now. I was wrong. My
ex was devastated when he found out, he made life even more impossible for me. Can
you blame him? <o:p></o:p></div>
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Juan had just graduated from the university and he was full
of promises. And I will never forget the day he pulled away from a kiss and
said, “I have something to say. I know its horrible timing but I have to get it
off my chest. I love you. I love you so much I want to marry you. I have never
been so sure of anything in my life.” He giggled while following up with “I am
going to buy you the biggest house, the house of your dreams and your kids are going
to go to the best schools and we are moving out of Bridgeport” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just laughed at his excitement then he got
on one knee, “Will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that moment I can honestly say I loved
Juan. He represented my rescue. It was a love story. He was my night in shining armor and I was going to
seize the moment and scream, “YES”. Oh the butterflies I had, I could barely
sleep dreaming about our future. No more drama, no more alcohol abuse, no more infidelity,
no more insecurities, my dreams were coming true. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">What went wrong?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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All the motivation was there to leave, and I did it. I am in the courtroom. I did it, I got
divorced, it was no longer talk, it was all real and <b><u>it killed me.</u></b> I didn’t know
it would hurt so badly. I was the one filing for a divorce , this was my choice
and when the judge made his final call “Marriage dissolved” all the memories of
everything good flooded me and took my breath away, and my ribs closed in
suffocating my heart into a tight gripped cage. I couldn’t breath, literally. Fear, Regret, Consequences they all flooded me. My ex took grip of my hand and asked if I was OK and I couldn’t talk. The judge
asked that my ex remove me from the court room as there were more people waiting to get divorced
in line; we were done. Like I got served my deli meat or something, "get out of line... next!"There was a line up of people behind us getting divorced. </div>
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I cried like if he had died and he was standing in front
me. Regret sunk in but there was no turning back now, it was officially,
legally over. When you marry you become one, when you divorce your life is
ripped apart. My kids were at camp so the next few days were all tears and
dodging my family that was celebrating that it was final. I needed to mourn.
Juan didn’t understand this. He stood by patiently waiting for me to run back
to him but when my life was ripped apart I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I
didn’t know how to be me. The “me” I loved was lost and for the life of me I
couldn’t figure it out. I was scared I lost her in the divorce too. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I tried to get it together, Juan was ready and it seemed like
he had a timeline I had to meet. But my daughter was dealing with anger issues with the divorce and my son, separation anxiety. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was bigger than me so I asked him to just
be patient. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Time passed but we were not where we expected to be. Juan
started a new job, he was the boss and it required long hours at the office so
I barely saw him anymore but we were together. Then one day he came home and
said, “we need to talk”. I knew it was not going to be good so I interrupted
him with a kiss and was trying to seduce him into a romantic evening to forget
all that was going on but he pushed me away then a tear fell down his face and I
knew. I knew he found someone else. So I blurted it out, “who is she?”. “I work
with her, I didn’t expect this to happen, you have to believe me. I was fully
invested in us, you have to understand”. I wish I could say that I handled this
with “I understand Juan, you are me a few months ago” but I didn’t. I was lost
and my only reaction was to scream, “Get out!” while pounding on his chest pushing him towards the door. He was crying I was crying and I pushed him right out the door, out of my life. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>You can’t start something on a lie and expect it to walk on
truth</b>. Can't walk on faulty foundation either. Everything came full circle to smack me in the face. Its easier to cope when your the one hurting people. But when you hurt people you only hurt yourself in the end. I was left alone. Some would call it Karma, but I call it lesson learned. Its really important to start relationships on truth. I have yet to meet anyone who started a relationship in a lie end up happily every after. When something starts on lies, you realize, "Well this is how we started so I know he or she is capable" and the spirit of insecurity will always linger in all that you do together.<br />
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I wish I could say I got it right after that but I didn’t. There were
more mistakes. You know doing it over and over again expecting different
results. (insane)</div>
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But once you call it for what it is, take responsibility for it and
confess it, it just doesn’t have that same type of power anymore. But you have to own your part in it. The blame game doesn't work. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The best part about all this looking back I can't say my ex was the only one to blame for our failed attempt at marriage, I was a mess too. I spent years justifying them by comparing them to his mistakes, but that's pride and God opposes the proud and I needed God's intervention badly. So I had to own it. We can chalk it up to being young and stupid but the pain carries well into your years and affects every relationship after, whether you know it or not its there if it doesn't heal. </div>
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Here is the evidence, the fruit of healing from your past. </div>
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The New years of 2016 rolling into 2017, my beloved husband (we call him Clark- my Superman) and I spent it with our families, and it included my children's father and his new family. No drama, just love and peace. That is how the God I serve rolls. He restores all that was stolen from you if you trust Him. I trust Him. </div>
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-428201832655265862018-09-06T07:27:00.001-07:002018-09-06T07:27:12.375-07:00I can change him...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><u><br /></u></b></div>
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You know the saying, “can’t change a man” and that’s true,
but there are times where you hold on to the thought that you just might be
able to. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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We started as co-workers, ended up friends with all the
laughing we did together then he asked me out on a date. How could I say no, it
was like turning down the captain of the football team down, except Rick was
not athletic. Actually he was cute, with olive complexion, curly black hair and
probably measured about 5 feet 4 inches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now you know he was overly charming if a 5ft 7inch Latina was overlooking
his height. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just had a way about him, super charismatic and the life of any room. <o:p></o:p></div>
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At the time I met Ricky I was teaching bible studies for the youth in my church and we were watching this video series called “The Truth Project”. If you haven’t seen it I
highly recommend it. But there was this part in the series where they
interviewed people of many different faiths or no faith at all asking them questions about the
universe, and purpose. It was really interesting and the kids asked if we could
interview an Atheist? I knew a couple, but I also knew that the couple that I
did know would be rude or condescending with the kids. So, came the quest to find an atheist suitable for the interview. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I was in the office discussing my quest with a co-worker who
dropped a bomb on me that Ricky was an atheist. I was disappointed to say the
least. Thank goodness we hadn't had our first date. And just then and there in that moment I looked down at my phone and I
was getting a text from Ricky, “Hey, how are you? Thinking of you”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate to chalk things up to signs but it sure
felt like one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also knew how Ricky
felt about me so I knew he wouldn’t be rude. So I invited him to our next youth
bible study. <o:p></o:p></div>
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At this point I knew it was over between Ricky and I. You
might say that’s unfair, but when you have kids you think differently than the
average single person. I couldn’t be with an atheist. I am on so many levels
about introducing people to Christ. How does it look that the believer, the bible study
teacher the evangelist is dating an atheist? The entire purpose of dating is looking for a husband. If not that's wasted time and unnecessary heart ache I don't need. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Ricky did show up and it was a night to remember. I was so
proud of the kids in the group, how they tackled each question he posed. They
were supposed to be interviewing him but somehow it ended in a debate. No one was disrespectful, there were moments where we had to just laugh and so did
Ricky. It was so much fun the kids invited Ricky to watch the next video session with them. I was surprised he accepted the invite. He stayed till the end and I
prayed the entire time that God would plant a seed in his heart. And I thought He
did because Ricky was into the video, when I say into, he was so absorbed that
he didn’t even notice me staring at him. All the kids noticed and grinned but
whispered to stay quiet and we waited for Ricky’s to notice the room of ten people all staring at him watch this video. We all giggled when he looked up in surprise and noticed all the probing eyes on him. <o:p></o:p></div>
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At the close of the video Ricky stood up and said, <i><b>“that was
really interesting. When we go out, I have some questions”</b>.</i> Now..... we had not
scheduled our date. The monkey wrench… no the BOMB of him being an atheist changed
my mind. But how does one say no to that, what if God placed Ricky in my life
to romance him back into God’s arms! What if I was the person who would lead him to Christ. What if I could convert him and it be genuine. I was
here as the romancing tool to be use to bring Ricky to salvation. (all these thoughts lasted maybe 2 seconds) Then I blurted out, <i><b>“Are you free
this Saturday?” </b></i><o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Date 1</b>- Just
perfect, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he took me out to eat at a
fancy restaurant and we spoke about why he didn’t believe in God and why I did.
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Date 2-</b> Perfect
again, another romantic restaurant under the stars by the water and we spoke
about the purpose of life and why. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Date 3</b>- I am
invited to a cook out at his gorgeous house. We had the same job I really didn’t
understand how he had this amazing house, but he was single with no children. I
am sure that had something to do with it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Date 4-</b> Ricky
surprised me at church and brought his mom with him. (Pause for dramatic effect here, that's huge) I wasn’t expecting to meet
his mom but she was anxious to meet me since her son wouldn’t stop talking
about me and low and behold<b> his mom was a believer</b> so I was an answered prayer.
I just might be right about God wanting to use me in the transformation of
Ricky. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Valentine’s Day<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Ricky and I are just having so much fun and I am really
falling for him but our conversations have steered away from who God is to
focusing on us, on what we wanted to do on our next date, on what we wanted to
see, explore and of course kissing. Ricky was a gentleman, he never pushed on me.
I could tell he wanted to but he wanted me to be completely sure, and we even discussed it. He was willing to wait. He respected
my values and beliefs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So on this
particular valentine’s day he gave me a gift that floored me. It was a really
heavy box and when I opened it, it was a copy of the 1828 Noah Webster’s
Dictionary. I know that makes no sense to you but it meant everything to me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ricky learned about the Dictionary the first night
of the youth bible study. It meant that he was really paying attention, he was
really listening, and he researched it. It was Noah Webster's ministry, and if you read it you will see how politically correct we have become over time. And in this Dictionary they don't leave God out of it. It was a ministry. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It meant he was willing to support my
ministry.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>What went wrong?</b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
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He told me he loved me. He told me that he wanted to support
me and everything that I did because it was important to me. He told me he
believed in me, but he wasn’t convinced that there was a God. I felt like a case
of crazies in that moment. Like I was dreaming about a God, and Ricky loved me
so much he would play along with me as long as I stood by his side. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I was already divorced, I know what the heart leads to. I
followed my heart the first time and love fades. I wanted what God intended for me and I knew a man who denied him wasn't it. That was hard to swallow. Things were good, I was happy, we never argued. But I knew better and I knew this wasn't what God wanted for me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Ricky thought I was worried about what others thought, and
said, <b><i>“I will tell people I believe, it’s not that big of a deal”</i></b> But it was. I
loved that he believed in me but I cannot meet that type of expectation. I
needed him to believe in Him who would sustain us, that type of belief and hope in me was only setting me up to fail and he couldn't understand it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Every conversation dulled after until the phone calls
stopped. Everything faded away, I don't even remember saying goodbye. He just disappeared. <o:p></o:p></div>
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One of the most powerful lessons I learned was that its lonely waiting on God's promises. No one likes waiting, they all want to see you marry the person you have right now and if you don't something is wrong with you. If too much time passes your labeled with names as picky, stubborn, shallow, you name it I have been called it. But I knew what God wanted for me, and I wanted it too, and I was willing to wait for it, even if it never happened. Its better to be single than soul tied to someone God didn't intend for you.<br />
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Second, only God can change someone. I walked away feeling like a failure from this relationship. I was on a mission to change him, instead it was changing me.<br />
If this is you right now, here is my advice "That broken thing that you keep trying to put back together, is keeping your life from that beautiful thing that's waiting to be built"<br />
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PS. I was still single a long time after Ricky, and I did troll his Facebook to see his wedding day that looked like a Pinterest fairy tale wedding. And I had the moment, "that could've been me" and I knew everyone was thinking it too. I get it, its lonely and it sucks. But I promise every painful situation you walk away from is one step closer to God's promise and it will surpass your fantasies. The Pinterest perfect wedding will look ghetto compared to God's promises.<br />
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-43029474353907813862018-08-29T09:53:00.000-07:002018-08-29T09:53:14.137-07:00Catch your breath<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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When your single people look at you like your a charity case. That sound's worse than what I mean. I mean, people want to help you. They meet other single people and before you know it they are trying to play cupid. Once they find one interest in common between two single friends the arrows are flying. The only thing wrong with that is that I am Latin, young and a single mom, which places me in a negative statistic category, for those who meet me for the first time. Don't be alarmed, its all right, I am the one saying it. But let anyone else say it and I will punch them in the jugular, I am NOT A STATISTIC. Strangers unfamiliar with me think I am either looking for a baby daddy, or I am looking for someone to ease my financial burden. So match making is not easy. </div>
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But then there are those who know you well and simply want you to be happy. So when they call you with a matchmaking ploy with a stranger that you might have something in common with, all my guards go up and you can see why. My wonderful beautiful cousin called me one day to tell me that a guy in her office saw my picture and thought I was beautiful. At first I was like, "thanks" moving on, but she kept talking about him and I knew where it was going. But this was my flesh and blood cousin that I grew up with like if she was my sister. She knew what I was into and not into. As kids we sat by the pool side imagining the artist of the band Menudo (the boy band that thrust Ricky Martin's career) throwing us into the pool because in our heads they were our boyfriends. Not just one, we had the entire band for the three of us. Don't judge I was like eleven. But this is to give you an idea of how much I trusted my cousins judgement. </div>
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"He's tall, black, cute and just a super amazing guy" So my response was, "would you date him" she was married at the time but explained under her giggle, "He is not a head turner, but he's not ugly. He is attractive and yeah... yeah... if I was single I would date him". Then the conversation on the phone quickly went from just a call with her to an introduction with Dwight. </div>
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He was a gentleman over the phone. He quickly pointed out my reluctance in giving him my number and why I would not be disappointed. I had to admit the charm over the phone allowed me to say "what the heck" worse that could happen was that we would be friends. But I did make it clear I was not looking for romance. At this point in my life I was praying for a friend, someone who knew me, saw me as a human being not the main course to soothe his below the belt appetite. </div>
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You really don't realize all the bonding you do over the phone. Social Media was already on the scene but not everyone was on it. Dwight was not, so I had no clue what he looked like at all. He knew what I looked like but I was going in blind. I thought to myself maybe that's what I needed and I was enjoying the friendship. He wasn't insecure at all which lead me to believe he was confident in his skin. Dwight seemed to be hey OK, and he was easy to talk too. I wasn't feeling the pressure of romance as I wasn't looking for it so it was easy to just chat with him like I did with all my girlfriends. </div>
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He didn't wait long to muster the courage to ask me out to a movie and I of course hesitated. I literally had to talk myself into seeing him. I was enjoying the phone conversation. Everyday he called sounding winded after playing ball with the guys. I teased him about it often too. "You should really try to catch your breath before you call me" and he responded, "Girl, I can't help that you take the wind out of me with just your voice". I really should've caught on after that cheesy line. But I vested in the friendship. So after a few weeks of persistence, I said "I will <b>but only as friends." </b></div>
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He was coming from New York and I was in Connecticut. Again, I didn't want anyone to meet my kids so we decided on a middle ground. I chose the movie theater that had a mall because I wanted to remain in public. I knew his best foot forward self, I didn't know or trust him enough to be alone. Plus I was getting smarter with my track history of experiences. At some point you learn right? </div>
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I was excited to finally meet my friend Dwight and I wondered if he would match any of the images that I had drawn up in my mind. I had imagined a Will Smith as he was always playing ball and "Prince of Belair" was one of my favorite shows. The mall was located close to the train station so after I parked my car I picked up my phone called Dwight and walked to the Train station to meet him. I felt like I was playing hiding go seek, running from train track to train track trying to find him. But for the life of me I couldn't find him, but in my defense I had no idea what to look for. He spotted me and teased me about it on the phone. He saw me running from track to track trying to find him, he saw my excitement in looking for him so he basked in it. It was actually fun and of course it would come to an end, no one lingers around the train station, eventually everyone leaves and it would narrow it down to who he was. And there I was looking at an empty train station and on the phone with him asking if he stood me up and was playing a cruel joke. He said no and then there he was, he stepped out from behind a concrete wall and he was..... not Will Smith. </div>
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How do I share this with you without sounding shallow and mean? He wasn't out of breath from playing ball, he was out of breath from simply walking. The first thing I saw before his face was his belt before the rest of him caught up. He was tall all right, but he was on the Heavy side (politely put). Now I have had crushes before on a few heavy guys, but he was beyond that. He definitely had his clothes custom made and his belly covered his knees. </div>
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I was upset, I felt like I was catfished. He lead me to believe he was this athletic guy always on the basketball court. He lied and here is when I learned a hard truth about myself,<i> I'm too nice</i>. Nice to a flaw. I reached out my hand in a business way with a smile to shake his and said, "nice to meet you at last". He didn't skip a beat in suggesting we get to the movies right away or we will miss it, so we did. While walking to the theater he tried to hold my hand. Now I have a dilemma, I'm trying so hard to be nice and I specifically said I would go to the movies as his friend, but I don't hold hands with my friends unless we are praying and right now I needed prayer as I was lost inside on what to do. If I expressed my feelings I would be the shallow jerk who hurt his feelings. So I diverted and that was my tactic all night. Divert and as soon as possible abort the mission. </div>
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While walking I found things to point too, and became the typical Hispanic who needed her hands to talk. Then once inside the theater he asked me what I wanted and I said, "A large popcorn, goobers, nachos with cheese and a large Sprite" he honestly looked at me like he had an issue with my diet. Really? </div>
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Once sitting down I started with my nachos that were extra cheesy and messy, my only disappointment was that they were too small. So I licked every finger and was not girly about it, I left cheese on my cheek licked and slurpted the fingers so he would not want to hold my hand. He still tried, so then it was to eat my popcorn, one kernel at a time, a LARGE popcorn. He seemed disappointed but I was OK with that. The movie started and he put his arm around my neck, and at this point I just blurted out, "Seriously, I told you just friends" and he cut me off in embarrassment as everyone in the movie theater turned around and was looking at us and then said, "Can I have some popcorn". I had to put my emotions back in the bottle that was boiling over in my stomach. </div>
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The movie was a comedy and it was hilarious, it was the Wedding Crashers. We laughed so much we forgot the awkward tension between us. And then it ended. Time to walk to the car now.<br />
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On the way Dwight and I were laughing, we got all the way to the parking garage and he said he would walk me to my car. I parked on the sixth floor so we took the elevator. Once in the elevator we both leaned up against the wall and just giggled at the movie we just saw. As soon as the doors closed I wanted to tell Dwight that I had a good time but before I knew it his tongue was down my throat gagging me. It lasted a second as I pushed him away yelling, "what the hell Dwight, that was not code for gag me". Then he spoke, he spoke honestly.<br />
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<i>"Look at you and look at me. Do you think anyone will agree to go out with me? Do you know how lucky I feel to have tonight with you? I'm sorry I upset you, I thought since we were laughing it was a sign that things were going well. I didn't mean to scare you, I just didn't want the night to end without kissing you, as I don't know if I will ever get this chance again. I had to sieze the moment, I'm sorry I scared you" </i><br />
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I (overly nice) felt bad for Dwight. I know it isn't easy for him. After my second child I weighed 198 pounds and no one looked my way, heck I didn't look my way. I understood where he was coming from, but that is not my responsibility to change. That is his. I will not body shame in this post, that's not my style. But its important to take care of your health. Being that heavy is not healthy, nor is it a sign of loving yourself. My choice to lose the weight was not to get a date, it was to be able to catch up to my kids playing on the field. To not have an asthma attack while cheering on my son's home runs. But I digress, Time to answer him, "Dwight you are a nice guy, and I get it. But you are violating my boundaries"<br />
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Following a deep breath, he asked if he could still walk me to my car and I said yes, then once at the car I turned to shake his hand cause I was feeling awkward and again overly nice and BOOM. ARE YOU SERIOUS! Pinned up against my car and I can't breath. Apparently bein nice is a sign for shove your tongue down her throat. But his lips were covering my nose, I was going to suffocate! I had to put my foot down, no.... knee up! Not like it did much damage, I hit his belly. He didn't fight back but now I felt like I was in danger so I opened the door of my car and he pinned himself between me and the door, forcing my door to stay wide open. I managed to sit down in the drivers seat, turn on the car and go in reverse forcing him back into the middle of the car garage. I didn't want to kill him, but I needed to get away. The entire time he is yelling, "I'm so sorry". The second I drove off my cell was ringing and it was him on the caller ID. I didn't answer and just like that our friendship was over.<br />
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Once on the highway, I called my cousin on her cell and yelled, "Do you hate me?" she giggled and said he was a nice guy who deserved a nice girl. "The guy almost ate me in the elevator!"<br />
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Always stay in a public place with every man. But there is something to reflect on here. If a Will Smith look alike had shown up, would I have been so protective of my boundaries? Maybe I am shallow, but in the same moment I felt like I did something I didn't normally do, I said no, I demanded that my boundaries were to be respected. This could've ended so much far worse but it didn't. Thank God! I never spoke to Dwight again after that, but when I do look back I see me pulling on an inner strength I didn't know I had. I know it sounds ridiculous to you but I struggled with boundaries. Still do but in other areas. Oddly enough I am thankful to Dwight. And I am not that naive, Dwight's approach was dangerous and sent all sorts of red flags, but be honest, if he was hot; how would you have played out the night?<br />
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Being self aware is a challenge in itself. We all need to pause, catch our breath then reflect. </div>
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-42135728409763893152018-08-22T09:21:00.004-07:002018-08-24T09:46:17.466-07:00I want a Christian man<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><u>I want a Christian Man!</u></b></h2>
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Well this one took me for a doozie. I really did love being single but every time I walked into church someone would say,<br />
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"Why hasn't someone snatched you up?"</div>
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"Why are you still single" </div>
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"God is preparing a good husband for you" </div>
Oh and every time I went to the altar for prayer people assumed that I was on my knees praying for a husband and they would stop me to say, "God told me to tell you he is coming sister"<br />
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Little did they know I was praying for peace when I was at the altar. Being a single mom was rough, it was no walk in the park. My daughter thought I favored my son, and my son thought I favored my daughter. Both responded to things differently which was exhausting. But at the end of the day I really wanted to raise my children to be educated, well balanced believers. I say well balanced because I have run across my fair share of super judgmental believers who walk arrogantly and prideful above the sinners. Then the other extreme where God is all love and you can sin all day and know your going to heaven believer. I'm no theologian, all I know is that no one is beyond God's reach, no one. So I wanted my children to never strip a person of their dignity. And who ever I dated needed to have the same values; I didn't want conflict in my home. I promise I will get to the juicy stuff but for all you single ladies out there, it is important to be "equally yoked" this is a prime example of it. Who I fall for is the type of man that my son believes he should strive to be, and my daughter will want that type of man as her husband. Talk about pressure! As a single mom, you see it. But as a single women with no children its just not a thought when your heart is wrapped up in your underwear.<br />
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Everything is a learning experience. The only time I felt bad about being single was when I was at church and every one made it seem like my prayers were not answered till I found a husband. So I fell into the trap and got desperate for people to see me as complete. However, I wanted a particular man, as I just explained. So I did what everyone was doing to find an eligible Christian man in this era. I went online, made a profile and shopped for a boyfriend.<br />
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I spent days looking at pictures first, then narrowed it down and started reading profiles. I did love the online sites, as it made me feel like the most beautiful woman alive. It was notification after notification but I didn't have to politely turn anyone away, or feel bad for not being interested. You had to pay to respond and I was to cheap for that. I needed to be selective as I would as selecting a bra on an online site.<br />
I hated hurting people's feelings and sometimes being polite or nice was misinterpreted as try harder. I know this sounds arrogant but I am being honest. "God don't make ugly" is my catch phrase. Like every female I have my insecurities, especially after children... HELLO. I had stretch marks all over I can't compete with the bikini profiles some posted. There are things I would like to change about myself too, but I do know that God created each women uniquely and each have a quality that attracts men. Sadly some think its their looks.<br />
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Back to the juicy stuff. I found him. Tall, Dark, handsome, and he had pictures on obstacle courses so I knew he was brave. To me that was a big deal as I have always had a need to feel protected; still do! But there it was in BIG BOLD LETTERS!<b> "my future wife must love God above all else" </b>So I initiated and he quickly responded. We exchanged emails for weeks then upgraded to phone calls. Our conversations got intimate. No it wasn't phone sex. It was sharing each others goals, dreams and fears. He called me when he needed prayer and I did the same when I needed it. It seemed perfect. He fit the mold just perfectly and my heart was vested. The only problem was that he in the military and stationed in Texas. So there were no chances of a walk in the park, or placing myself in the lions den of temptation. So we settled for emails and phone calls.<br />
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Meanwhile my friend Clark, who was a single dad, also the biggest heart breaker I knew, was at my house washing clothes one day when I was on the phone with..... Lets just call him <u>Christian,</u> said to me that it wasn't a real relationship. It was just a fantasy. That he could be just faking it all for the attention I provided him. He had a point but it irritated me. But he is a man and he knew more of the male species than I did so I dwelled on his words for weeks till it drove me crazy. So he convinced me to ask Christian to take this now 6-7 month virtual romance into reality. The scariest step ever quickly followed and he bought a plane ticket to visit. I did set ground rules, he couldn't meet my kids till I was completely sure this would work, and he couldn't stay at my house. Meanwhile Clark laughing in the background of my "foolish rules". Clark and I were both single parents and we shared chauffeur responsibilities to and from school, so I was grateful for his presence but at times he annoyed me with the revolving door of females that chased him and how arrogantly right he was at times.<br />
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Christian arrived and it was not a catfish incident. It was perfect he was not as tall, but taller than me so I let that slide and it was indeed him. We only had the weekend together so everything felt rushed. I was meeting him for the first time, yet it felt like we were a couple who had not seen each other in months. He kissed me as if we had kissed before and it caught me off guard and I felt robbed of the ideal of our first kiss. I know sounds silly but I wanted that moment. You know the moment where you look into each others eyes purposely hinting "yes kiss me". It was gone, but he was here and I had to make the best of the moment we had together. He totally romanced me, flowers, dinner, words of encouragement that followed with hand holding and long talks every night up until the last night. He even prayed for me! Come on, tell me that doesn't do something for you. He prayed for me! The last night was to say goodbye, and this time he gave me my imagined first kiss. He stood there by the window of the hotel room bag in his hand with sad eyes staring at me and our eyes locked and he hugged me and said, "I don't want it to end here" and his touch, OH GOD his touch! He placed his hands on the small of my back and pulled me in for a warm embrace and I could feel his breath on my neck and when I gently pulled away to make eye contact we were in a full passionate kiss, and my body went into full surrender mode. How could it not, here was a man after God's heart, who romanced me, invested months into phone calls and emails and wanted to do everything right before God. Well except in this moment.<br />
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The desire was mutual and we ended up wrapped in the sheets of the bed of the hotel room. It wasn't romantic, it was just two kids caught up in a horny moment. We had only a few hours to get ready for the drive to the airport and I wanted to cry. I just gave this man all of me and he was leaving. I justified it with his responsibility to our country. I kept telling myself that he was going to be my husband so don't feel bad.<i> "It will all work out, don't worry" </i>that's what I said over and over again.<br />
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That following Monday, he called me to say he was being deployed and that his last girlfriend dumped him while on his first deployment. I assured him I was going to be loyal over the phone but he heard Clark's voice in the background. I explained he was just a friend who helped me out with the kids. He said he was cheated on before and that he didn't like Clark being around. I explained all this to Clark in hopes that Clark wouldn't linger around after he dropped off the kids. I was too vested in Christian, I had been abstinent for <b>2 years,</b> I felt like I lost my virginity and my sanity. I needed to keep Christian happy, even at the cost of my friendship with Clark. <i>Clark won't care, I was only a friend who helped bring his daughter to school.</i> Sure enough Clark did care and said I was being stupid but he would respect my wishes and not linger around my house after dropping off the kids.<br />
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That night I prayed, "God, please give me strength, I made a mess" and in that moment I experienced something new in my prayers. I saw an image of a man puckering to kiss me. Then I opened my bible and it was like the words jumped at me as I wasn't looking for anything in particular. It just stopped me, "Daughters of Jeruselem, I charge thee do not awaken love until it is ready to be awaken" I didn't get it at the time. I do now.<br />
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<b>7 months of silence, and the kiss of betrayal</b><br />
Christian was overseas and I was playing the loyal wife. At this point I had found Christian's family online and we had become online friends. All of which are still amazing God fearing people. I didn't know it at the time, but they knew little of me, they thought I was just Christian's friend.<br />
Christian did come back to the states and I waited for the call. I waited weeks, then got antsy and started trolling his families timeline then there it was. A picture of his newly found wife, they were married for 4 months and she was expecting his first child. It was the big surprise for his family so it was shared after share after share on the timeline. I never felt like such a fool before, and my heart had never hurt so much. That day my only revenge was to change my number and de-friend every relative close to Christian.<br />
He did send me an email months later when he thought I had healed, that said, "I know you know, but God told me that you were going to cheat on me with Clark. I couldn't relive that again so I moved on. I didn't expect for things to happen the way it happened, it just happened" there was a lot more to it but you get the gist. Can you believe him? He cheats on me and says its because I was going to cheat on him with Clark. Little does he know I was single for 6 LONG YEARS after. I would have never cheated! I wasn't even properly dumped, I saw it all on a Facebook post. I was livid! So I wrote back, "Your a fraud, I believed in you and trusted you and I never cheated nor would I have cheated and its not cool to use God as your cover up"<br />
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<b><u>Young and stupid</u></b>!<br />
Funny to look back. It was painful but I learned so much from the experience. For instance, we both prayed we just didn't listen. He has his side of the story too. He really did feel insecure with Clark, he didn't know how to tell me that all his prayers led him to the fact that I was not the one. He wanted me to be the one, just like I wanted him to be the one. My prayers did the same but rejection is a hard pill to swallow, I think I would've managed that ordeal better had it been me rejecting him. Did he do it right? HELL NO! It was wrong on so many levels. Had it been another girl she would've thought God hated. He had all the characteristics on the prayer list, and God was saying no not her. Oh the humanity! Everything blew up before my eyes and my heart set ablaze in anger. I changed my email after too. That will teach him! Never heard from him again.<br />
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Until just recently I was in LinkedIn and saw Christians name pull up as a person who viewed my profile, while I was in bed with my husband. I laughed and leaned over in bed to Clark and said, "should I tell him?"<br />
LOL- life is full of surprises.<br />
And no I didn't tell him.<br />
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495491419861045902.post-14842221307751785452018-08-15T12:29:00.001-07:002018-08-22T09:33:58.600-07:00Revisiting the Past <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><u>Revisiting my past...</u></b></h2>
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This morning I got up and was listening to one of my favorite authors, Rachel Hollis. On Chapter 14 of her new book "Girl wash your face" she said something that sparked something in me. She said she doesn't read the reviews. I instantly thought of my friend Kim who is an avid blogger and recently published her first book and told her the story of how I used to blog and my failures. All to encourage her and make sure she doesn't give up. I told her that I was her once upon a time. I loved writing, and I loved sharing stories and I was known as the "story teller". One day in my late twenties, I decided to reclaim my virginity and figured I write a blog about my journey. Now I know what your thinking, that's scientifically impossible. But spiritually its totally possible.<br />
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I wrote this great blog of my journey as a Christian woman who was taking control of her life, so I thought. I was a single mom and in the dating arena it seemed that sex was expected. And it frustrated me to no end. The constant cliche, "you have kids, what are you protecting?". It was as if it was a right of passage for all women to get to the next phase; commitment. Depending on your performance in bed and how freaky you were, would determine if you deserved the solid girlfriend/boyfriend status. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like that for all my dating scenarios. There were the few that would wait; so they said, as they always tried.<br />
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And then there was me, who was indeed not a virgin. I knew the taste and desired it, like you would not believe. But I also knew how it left me feeling afterwards. Cold showers and long nights at the gym were my go to and I always shunned all romance movies. I also understood the science of it as well. Did you know that women produce a chemical in their brains called Oxytocin, also known as the "love hormone". Its produced in men too. I'm not a doctor so don't take this as a medical fact. This is just my take on what I learned. When women give birth to a baby they release massive amounts of it, it acts like a bonding agent. How else do you explain loving the person who just ripped your vagina in half. Women also release it when they are breastfeeding. They also release it in, you guessed it, during orgasms. Things that make you go hmmmm.<br />
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Now from a biblical perspective; God intended sex to be within the safe haven of marriage. After making all the obvious mistakes that are in direct violation of what God intended I can sincerely attest that I now see why God intended it for marriage. The physical and biblical line up perfectly and validate each other. The entire "two become one" bible phrase, to "bonding agent/Love hormone" science. Again hmmmm<br />
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So I tried to take charge of my panties. I made sure they were not going to drop anymore and to entertain myself I would blog my way through it. I would laugh and make light of my rejection to encourage myself. And I would hopefully help others making the same commitment. There was the catch, "helping others". I knew I was going to be made fun of, after all I was living this walk out loud and I was bashed. So I made the blog anonymous. My first few stories were funny to say the least. But then I saw one of my postings circulating through social media, I was shocked. It was there on my newsfeed because someone else shared it. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I clicked on it and there it was; the Comments. The death of my blog, the opinion of others, <b>the death to all things that are good.</b><br />
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The comments section of my blog post put me in tears. I cried myself to sleep that night and if I am honest probably a few nights after. Who am I kidding like a week. I dragged out that suffering longer than I should have.<br />
"She honestly thinks she can recycle her virginity"<br />
"This is a joke, and she's a joke"<br />
"This is downright hilarious, a retard has to be writing this"<br />
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I actually remember all of them. I'm now 41 years young and looking back thinking they probably just meant the title and didn't even read it. Also above all else, who cares. Like Rachel Hollis would say, <b>"Someone else's opinion of you is none of your business".</b> But back then in my late twenties into my thirties it hit me like a ton of bricks and stopped my life, let alone my writing. I was dating this guy during this time; you will read about him in later post, who said I was being "ungodly". Really? Again now at 41 years young looking back and revisiting my past my only regret was not being true to myself and listening to others. Needless to say in my pain and rejection of my writing I listened to three critics and deleted my blog entire blog and till today never wrote again.<br />
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Today I'm happily married because I stopped listening to the critics and started being myself. Not only did I get the man of my dreams, he came in the most unexpected way, but that's also for another blog post.<br />
Now....I'm not where I want to be, but I am definitely not worried about being me and you will discover why in my writings.<br />
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Today I belong to various ministries but one in particular I do want to highlight its called Purity and Peace and its a ministry that helps women. All women, not teens looking to protect their purity. I'm talking all women who are looking for healing and are right where I was a few years back. Looking for healing. Healing from past relationships, breaking the bonds you made with all the wrong people. Trying to do it the right way, the way God intended. People think doing things God's way is a set of rules that we have to live by restricting our freedom but reality is that they are rules that keep us free. Free from heart ache, humiliation, and straight up PAIN. Once you slip its hard to pick yourself up. And lets be honest, who wants to be that transparent and call a friend to say, "Girl, I was horny, that's why I did it". Forgive the vulgarity of my writing, as I am sure some will state it to be, it's honest. I couldn't be honest with women of God. (Now I can) but back then I had to go to those who would applaud my lack of will power, it made me feel better. Then I thought what if they had a blog post to turn too? What if they could read this and not feel like they are being judged in being honest. Honestly<br />
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We want to pretend we have it together, that we have control. But reality is we need accountability partners. Someone who will remind us of what we are protecting, Purity isn't just between your legs, your protecting your purity of mind and soul. I now have that network of strong godly women, who won't judge me but help me remember there is no condemnation, and what are we going to do to fix it? Back then I did not. No fault to my network back then but even I didn't have the knowledge I have now in regards to God's grace. We all had this ah ha moment and said, "Awe man, I wish I knew this back then"<br />
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Think about it. When you mess up and take the walk of shame the next morning are you calling your friends to celebrate it? Well, I guess some do. But not me, and I know there are more girls out there that can identify with me. So I'm revisiting my past and I'm going back to reclaim what was stolen from me, my confidence! There was nothing wrong with me "recycling my virginity" or writing about it. To top it all off, the reward was worth it. Every rejected humiliating moment was worth it. Oh... one more thing... full transparency... I didn't always get it right. I don't want you to think I took this oath of purity and did it till the day I walked down the isle to my wonderful husband.<br />
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Nope, sadly I took the oath several times. Thank God, GOD is a God of grace. I did however, beat myself up often for falling short of my promise not only to God but to myself. I also felt like I was abusing God's kindness. I was that girl that put herself on the shelf to please someone I thought I loved. Oh... and here is another truth bomb I didn't expect, the many times I thought I fell in love.... scary. I am pleased to report that looking back I didn't give up on the promise. I kept trying and there was a period of years where I was abstinent.<br />
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I am now pleased to report that I gained control of the pantie situation, but who doesn't when your married. They are always on the floor. But more importantly I looked back and smiled that even in my errors I was right to recommit my life to Christ and reclaim my purity. Like I said the reward was great!<br />
With that said I am taking on my writing again. I have committed to rewrite my past blog post for me, you can enjoy the ride as I stroll through memory lane. I'm praying that it helps, but I warn you, its going to be raw and fully transparent. I will change names to protect the innocent. Most of the men I will speak about have grown since then. Have married and look back on their foolishness with regret as well. So I will not shame anyone. It was a process for all, and most (not all) grew from it.<br />
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I am only going to post once a week so if you subscribe I just want to set the expectation.<br />
God bless and stay tuned.<br />
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The Art of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059793075703560900noreply@blogger.com0bridgeport CT 36.668419116966547 -77.60742225000001311.146384616966547 -118.91601625000001 62.19045361696655 -36.298828250000014